


Under the Covers

by StreetSolo



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Alternate Universe - College/University, College Castiel/Dean Winchester, College Student Castiel, College Student Dean, Destiel - Freeform, F/M, Human Castiel, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-03-21
Updated: 2015-06-22
Packaged: 2018-03-18 19:54:57
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 9
Words: 23,434
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3581889
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/StreetSolo/pseuds/StreetSolo
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Castiel is just enjoying his life, rolling with the punches, before Dean Winchester drops unexpectedly into his life. But not only is Dean the ex of his roommate, Castiel soon discovers a growing list of people who don't want them to be together. Will Dean and Castiel be able to survive all the trials and tribulations of their relationship? College AU. Explicit content.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

Castiel closed his eyes and took a deep breath in. He smelled of sweat and alcohol, but the aroma was more intoxicating than he expected it would be. He was drunk, he was pretty sure of that. His light blue shirt was untucked at the waist, flapping loosely around the waistband of his jeans as he moved his hips around in time to the thumping base that seemed to be all around him. He wasn’t dancing with anyone in particular, although there were so many bodies packed into the tight space it seemed almost impossible, considering there were people no more than six inches from him on either side. He tilted his head to the ceiling and opened his eyes, the colorful strobe lights above his head blurring into one stream of magnificent color. It made Cas smile, the kind of rich, awe-filled smile seen on the faces of children experiencing fireworks for the first time.

            But the colors faded, as did his smile, as he actually realized that he was alone. “Anna!” he shouted. His voice came out hoarser than he expected, and he rubbed at the bottom of his throat with one hand. The silver ring he wore on his middle finger brushed against his overheated skin and he held it there for a moment, trying to collect himself. “Anna!” he shouted again. He looked over at a group of girls to his right and perched himself on his tip-toes to try to see everyone in the group. No, he couldn’t spot her signature brilliant red hair. He sighed and looked around him. “Gabe! Balthazar!” He looked around him, spinning left and right, but they all seemed to have left him.

            Great. Cas moved a hand through his mop of sweaty hair to brush his bangs out of his face. He was alone at some – what? party? rave? – and was definitely drunk if not a little high. The fact that he couldn’t really remember where he was or how he had gotten there was not a good sign, but at least he remembered who he came with.

            “Bathroom,” Cas said to himself, suddenly squinting through the crowd. “Bathroom.” He made his way over to a wall and moved along it, avoiding people left and right as he tried to move through the dancing congregation. Maybe he could find at least some of his party in the bathroom? He finally made his way close to the entrance where the bathrooms were. There were plenty of girls on the line for the bathroom, most if not all of them lying against each other or slumped against the wall, too stoned or too drunk by this time of the night. Two of them had red hair, but both were too short to be Anna. He walked immediately into the men’s bathroom, pushing the swinging door open with the toe of his sneaker. Gabriel and Balthazar were not in here either. The urinals were full, and two men were fucking in the only bathroom stall with the door wide open. Castiel could hear the rasping, “Oh fuck, oh fuck-“ but turned away quickly and left the bathroom.

            He leaned his back against the wall, and was relieved to find it much cooler in the bathroom passageway. He closed his eyes and felt himself sway a little bit before he reluctantly opened his eyes. He looked to the left and saw a staff door at the end of the passage. Propelled onwards by drunken curiosity and a nagging bladder, Castiel cautiously walked up to the door and tried the handle. It was unlocked. Grinning stupidly to himself, Castiel turned the metal handle as quietly as he could and walked inside.

            It honestly looked a bit like an office space, which to Castiel looked a little weird, but the office wasn’t very well lit. The only light in the room came from a flickering bulb above his head that was desperate to be replaced. He dragged his eyes over the haphazard assortment of wooden desks and wooden chairs which seemed to be placed in no organized way. But as he looked to his left, he found what he was looking for. Along the side of the wall he just entered from were three doors, the signs outside indicating private handicapped bathrooms.

            “Oh thank you,” Castiel murmured. He stepped inside the first one and found it surprisingly spacious, bigger than his bathroom at home at least. He walked over to the toilet against the far wall and unzipped himself happily, musing to himself on how the employees must get a good laugh watching everyone outside wet themselves while they had their own private bathrooms back here. Not that he blamed them – one less puked filled bathroom to clean at the end of the night.

            He shook himself off and zipped but didn’t turn around. Something in the air had changed. Something was not quite right. He turned his head to the side and glanced over his shoulder. Someone was leaning against the back wall.

            “What are you doing in here?” Castiel asked in a harsh voice. He stood up a little straighter, balling his hands into fists at his sides. He was not about to become an easy victim here.

            “If you didn’t want company, you should have locked the door,” the stranger said. His voice was even; he didn’t sound drunk. He didn’t even look drunk. Whereas Cas was disheveled and sweaty, the stranger looked like he had just came in, his leather jacket still half-zipped. Cas regarded him for a moment, and the stranger’s green eyes flashed as he pulled the corner of his mouth up in a wicked grin.

            “What do you want?” Castiel asked again, although his chest had deflated somewhat, no longer regarding the stranger as a threat. There was something else in the room too, something hidden, something growing, some sort of electricity that had sparked the moment Castiel saw that grin. Lust.

            Before he could even realize what was happened, the stranger took three large steps forward and pushed Castiel into the wall between the toilet and the sink. He could feel the stranger’s fingers pressing into his sides just above the waistband of his jeans as he grabbed the back of the stranger’s leather jacket. Their teeth clashed uncomfortably, but just for a moment, before he felt the stranger’s tongue, hot and ready, work its way into his mouth. Castiel moaned and pushed his head back against the cool tile wall, squinting his eyes shut against the harsh fluorescent lights. The stranger started to kiss and suck at his neck and Castiel squirmed as his erection pushed against the stiff fabric of his jeans.

            He felt the stranger’s grip on his sides release, and in one deft moment the button of his jeans had come undone and the stranger was starting to tug down his pants. “No no no,” Cas said, putting his hands on the stranger’s shoulders. “No, no-“

            “What?” The stranger asked, taking a step back.

            “I’m drunk,” Castiel said, stifling a laugh as he did so. The whole situation was so absurd to him, he wasn’t entirely sure if he was hallucinating the whole thing.

            “You’re not that drunk,” the stranger said flatly, taking a step closer.

            “I don’t even know your name,” Castiel protested.

            “Dean,” the stranger said with slightly raised eyebrows.

            “Dean,” Castiel repeated, and he liked the way it sounded in his mouth. It sounded strong and confident, like a promise…like a challenge.

            Castiel flung himself forward and grabbed Dean, spinning him around and pushing him into the wall, hands on either side of Dean’s face. He could feel Dean’s eyebrows raise in surprise as he pushed his tongue into Dean’s mouth, his hips pinning Dean’s to the wall.

            “Oh God,” he could feel Dean groan as his hands went through Castiel’s hair, down his face, down his neck, to his chest. Cas released his grip on Dean slightly to slide his jacket off his arms, his fingertips tracing the curve of his muscles as he did so. Castiel let out an appreciate hum as he moved his hands down to the waist of Dean’s pants. His hands lingered there for a minute before he pulled the top of Dean’s shirt over his head.

            Dean smirked and yanked down Castiel’s jeans, pushing him backwards. Castiel stumbled backwards and fell flat on his ass. He didn’t even have time to react before Dean was on top of him, kissing his face, his lips, his neck, exposing his chest one button at a time. Castiel groaned and arched his back as Dean bit into the sensitive flesh just beneath his bellybutton. Cas could hear the sound of his groans getting louder, bouncing off the blank white tile that surrounded them. Dean made a small trail from Castiel’s bellybutton to the hem of his boxers, pulling them down slowly with his middle finger.

            “Please,” Cas gasped, struggling a little. His jeans were still around his knees but he tried to arch himself up enough to make the boxers slide off easier. In one quick motion, Dean grabbed the boxers and pulled them off of him, scratching his waist as he did so.

            Dean wasted no time taking Castiel’s stiff erection into his mouth, pushing him into the back of his throat. Castiel released the breath he didn’t realize he was holding, letting it out in a long, stuttering sigh.

            “Dean,” Castiel gasped, squinting his eyes shut. He was starting to throb now, his whole body was tingling, he was bracing for it, he was ready-

            Dean didn’t slow down, he only went faster and faster as Cas let go. He expected Dean to pull away but he stayed firm, his mouth hovering over Castiel’s tip as he swallowed his load. Cas actually sat up on his elbows and watched him, slightly incredulous, before collapsing back onto the floor. He wanted to return the favor, he wanted to feel this stranger’s cock in his mouth but the lights were getting brighter now. The fluorescents were no longer grating, but rather welcoming, just bright and warm; it was almost like lying on the grass in the warm summer sun. Castiel closed his eyes, the fluorescent lights still shining brightly behind his eyelids.

 

\---

 

            Castiel’s eyes snapped open and he sat up with a jolt. He was back in his apartment, back in his own bed. How the hell did he get home? And why the hell did he feel so sore?

            The sudden loud, wheezing snore from beside him answered both of those questions. The stranger from last night in the bathroom – he had taken him home? Castiel felt lightheaded for a moment and put his hand down on the blanket to steady himself, accidently cupping the stranger’s thigh in the process.

            “Well, hello there,” the stranger mumbled. Cas raised his eyebrows. Light sleeper.

            “Uh, hi,” Castiel stopped for a moment, desperately racking his brain to remember the stranger’s name. “…Dean?”

            “Well good you remember my name,” Dean said as he rolled over, sleepily rubbing his eyes with the back of his hand.

            “Do you remember mine?” Castiel asked.

            “I don’t think you gave it,” Dean said without a moment’s pause for recollection.

            Castiel paused for a moment, as if he didn’t want to part with the information. “Castiel. My friend’s call me Cas.”

            “Well hello then, Castiel,” Dean said, playing with how the way the name felt on his tongue. He smiled to himself before looking at Cas again. “So, do I smell waffles?”

            Castiel’s eyes widened in alarm. He _did_ smell waffles, which only meant that his flatmates, Anna, Gabriel and Balthazar, had indeed come home last night. Which meant that they may or may not know he had company. They had all pretty much figured out on their own that Cas wasn’t straight, but it wasn’t like he had said anything explicitly to them or made out with a boy in front of their faces.

            “I think I could use a shower before breakfast,” Dean said as he sat up. “Care to join me?” This was the first time Cas saw naked Dean, and he meant _really_ saw him, but before he had time to answer, a shrill voice broke through the air.

            “Cas! Do I hear you in there? Are you up?”

            “Oh no,” Dean sighed, burying his face in his palms.

            “What?” Castiel asked blankly, turning from him to the door.

            Dean didn’t answer. “Yeah, um, give me a sec!” Castiel called, but he didn’t have time to do more than strategically rearrange the blankets when Anna bounded in, flinging the door wide open.

            “Oh my God!”

            Cas put his face in his hand, rubbing at his forehead. “Anna-“

            “You!” she said disapprovingly. “Dean. Winchester.”

            Castiel looked up in confusion.

            “Anna-“ Dean said sheepishly, a sly smile tugging at the corners of his mouth.

            “So this is what you’re doing?” Anna asked. “First you cheat on me with that sleazy-ass yoga instructor and now you’re what? Into guys now?”

            “Anna-“ Dean said again, his voice a little more tense this time.

            “Oh, I mean, I guess you’d have to be into guys after you’ve fucked literally every woman on the planet!” Anna yelled. Her shouting brought Gabriel and Balthazar to the doorway, who anxiously peaked in around her, mischievous grins on both their faces.

            “Did you- bang Anna’s ex?” Balthazar asked after a slight pause.

            “Can we, can we not do this now? Please?” Castiel asked, rubbing at his forehead again.

            “Yeah, I should go,” Dean said quickly, moving to get out of the bed as Anna turned around, at least having the decency to shut the door behind her.

            Castiel moved back into his pillows. “Are you really Anna’s ex?”   

            Dean bent down to the floor and picked up his boxers. “It wasn’t that serious.”

            Cas raised his eyebrows, but couldn’t find the right words to say. “So you’re not- gay then?”

            “Oh I love when people try to put a label on me,” Dean said sarcastically, his eyes rolling upwards as he struggled to get into his jeans. He had just pulled on his shirt when he caught the look on Castiel’s face. “Look, some people like cake. Some people like pie. Personally, I find them both delicious.” Castiel tilted his head to the side. “I mean, I love pie, like really I do. Any kind of pie I just – mmm, I love it, you know? But then every once in a while I’ll have this really good piece of cake and it’s just like, it’s the most delicious thing I’ve ever had and I can’t imagine eating anything else but that cake for the rest of my life. You know what I mean?”

            Castiel opened his mouth but wasn’t sure what to say so he just nodded in the general direction of the floor, his mind frantically trying to work out who was the cake and who was the pie.

            “Will I see you again?” Castiel asked bluntly as Dean put on his leather jacket.

            Dean raised his eyebrows. “What do you think?”

            Castiel took that as a subtle hint to the contrary. He must have made some noise in the back of his throat because Dean took a moment from straightening his hair in the small mirror above Castiel’s bookcase to turn to face him. “My number’s already in your phone.”

            “Oh.” Castiel looked surprised for a moment before breaking into a wide grin. Dean stared at him for a moment, just, staring. As if spurned on by some sudden conviction, Dean strode forward and cupped Cas’ chin in his hand, kissing him firmly on the lips.

            With that, Dean Winchester turned and opened the door. Castiel quickly sprung out of bed and threw on a pair of pajama pants and followed him out into the kitchen, where Gabriel and Balthazar were putting waffles on plates. “I’ll take one for the road,” Dean said, grabbing a waffle off of Balthazar’s plate and taking a big bite out of it before heading out the apartment door without looking back.

            “Well,” Balthazar said after a brief awkward silence. “Sounds like someone had quite a good time last night.”

            “I, uh, yeah-“ Cas managed, rubbing the back of his neck. Anna was glaring quietly at him, her arms crossed tightly across her chest.

            “It _sounded_ like you had a really good time,” Gabriel added teasingly.

            “These walls are really fucking thin, Cas,” Anna hissed. “Like seriously?”

            “Okay, I’m sorry,” Cas huffed, exasperated. “I didn’t know he was your ex, all right?”

            “I don’t want you seeing him again,” she said angrily. Cas was about to say something but she cut him off. “I mean, not like it matters. Dean doesn’t stick around with anyone for more than two or three nights anyway.”

            “Oh, lighten up, buttercup,” Gabriel said as he poured a mountain of syrup over his pancakes. “It was just for one night; Cas got to have some fun, no harm done.” Gabriel threw a wink in his direction. “Right, Cas?”

            “Err, right,” Cas said appreciatively as Balthazar handed him a plate of waffles. Anna still looked miffed, but Cas knew how Anna got when she was in one of these moods and the best thing to do was to just let her cool off on her own. “Powdered sugar, Gabe?”

            “It’s like you know me,” he answered. He shook the container a few times, but only a few flakes came out. He turned it upside down and swatted the bottom, letting the lid fall off the container and completely dousing his waffles under a mound of sugar.

            “Gabriel!” Anna yelled, almost dropping her cup of coffee.

            “Two waffles, extra syrup, mound of sugar,” Gabriel said, grabbing a spoon. “Just the way I like ‘em.”

            “This is the _third_ time that you have done that this _month_ ,” Anna yelled exasperated.

            Castiel took advantage of all the fuss over the sugar to steal a look at his phone, which he had slipped into his pants pocket just before leaving the room. Dean Winchester didn’t lie. There were already two text messages in his phone from him.

            “I bet Anna’s already warning you to stay away from me.”

            “How’s tomorrow night at 8 sound?”

            Cas just smiled to himself as he stared down at his phone from underneath the counter. The others were still too busy trying to stop Gabriel from cramming all of the sugar into his mouth to notice. Tomorrow. 8 o’clock.

            There was something about Dean that drew Cas in like a moth to a flame…and Cas was ready to get burnt.


	2. Chapter 2

 

The next morning when Castiel woke up, he went into the kitchen to find Anna sitting in the living room wearing her bright pink pajama pants and a white tank top. He knew what that meant – Anna had already warned everyone several times that she only wore tank tops when she was in a bitter, vengeful mood, and so it was best to stay out of her way until that mood had passed over.

            “Oh Cas,” she called. “Guess what I’m watching?”

            Cas forced himself to put on a pleasant smile. “Oh, something good?” He tried to sound as friendly and innocent as possible.

            “Jerry Springer,” Anna said. “Or Maury, I don’t really know what this is but it’s so funny to watch. Do you know one of these guys slept with his wife’s sister so she tried to burn down his house? Like seriously, people are crazy.”

            “Umm, that’s…alarming,” Castiel said, scratching the back of his neck.

            “But yet he wants to get back together with her?” Anna said, turning back to the television. “People are so weird.”

            “Yes they are,” Castiel agreed, staring straight at the back of Anna’s head. He opened his mouth to tell her that he wasn’t going to see Dean Winchester again, but that would be a lie and he wasn’t really in the mood to bring Dean Winchester up at all. He, Balthazar and Gabriel had invited her to go to the movies last night but Anna told them she was not feeling well and decided to stay in. Balthazar and Gabe had teased him the rest of the night, warning him that Anna could get a bit “jealous,” but that she would get over it eventually if he wanted to pursue things further with Dean. Castiel did his best to assure them that he didn’t, but he was sure that at least Gabriel was onto his lie. Gabriel just always seemed to _know._

            It was 7 o’clock, and Castiel was still in his room trying to figure out a good way to get out of the house. He had spent most of the day in his room working on his research paper, which was greatly hindered by his thoughts of Dean Winchester, especially the thought of his haunting green eyes. Balthazar had joined Anna in the living room. The pair had watched reality TV for most of the day, laughing and chatting loudly. Castiel had been tempted to shut his door, but he felt that Balthazar was at least trying to rouse Anna out of her mood and closing his door might only ignite her further.

            Gabriel had spent most of the day out, but he came home a few minutes before Cas was about to leave. “How’s it going?” Gabriel asked, popping into his doorway, the car keys rattling in his hand. Balthazar and Anna craned their necks to look at him, and Castiel could have sworn the volume on the TV got lower.

            “Um, I was just about to head out-“ Castiel started.

            “-to the library, right?” Gabriel asked. “To finish your research paper?”

            “I, uh-“ Cas started.

            “I got your text, sure I’ll give you a lift,” Gabriel said with a wink that the others couldn’t see.

            Castiel nodded tersely, his stomach churning slightly. Obviously Gabriel knew who he was going to go see. The rouse seemed to have worked, as Anna and Balthazar went back to their show without giving Castiel a second glance as he headed out the door with Gabriel.

            Neither of them said a word until they had gotten into Gabriel’s car. “So, where to, buddy?” Gabriel asked.

            “To the library,” Castiel said, staring straight ahead through the windshield. Out of the corner of the eye, he could see Gabriel raise an eyebrow. “I’ll text Dean to meet me there.”

            “If that’s what you want,” Gabriel said casually, but his face bore the most satisfied smirk.

            “How-?” Castiel asked.

            “I may have inside information,” Gabriel said, glancing over at him. Cas waited for him to continue. “I may be close with his brother. Sam.”

            “Sam?” Cas repeated.

            “He’s a few years younger, you probably don’t know him,” Gabriel said quickly. “Sam’s dating this chick named Ruby, who you _may_ know. She was at that party Friday night. She’s a firecracker, all right, and Dean’s not too pleased with them being together.”

            Castiel considered this for a moment. “Why are you telling me this?”

            “Because Dean may not be in the best mood tonight,” Gabriel answered. “Just thought you might want to know.”

            Castiel tilted his head to the side. “So you know Dean, then?”

            “For a few years now,” Gabe answered. Cas waited for him to say more but he didn’t.

            “Any, uh, more insider info you want to share?” Cas asked.

            “About Dean?”

            “Uh-huh.”

            “Well, everything Anna said last night?” Gabe said. “She’s not wrong. But that doesn’t mean she’s right either. He’s very close to his brother, likes cars – I know what Dean wants me to know about him, just like anyone else.”

            This made Cas sink a little. “I don’t know what I’m doing, really.”

            “No, of course you don’t,” Gabe answered quickly, as if this was obvious.

            “But you’re still giving me a ride,” Cas replied.

            “Well, what can I say?” Gabriel shrugged. “I want to see how this plays out. Just-“ He put a finger to his lips. “It’s not fun if you tell.”

            Cas shook his head quickly to indicate that he wouldn’t tell anyone. It wasn’t a long drive to the library and Dean was already waiting for him. He was leaning against the door of a black Impala, his arms crossed tight across his chest. Gabriel gave him a quick wave in greeting, but Dean only lifted his eyebrows in response. Cas swallowed the lump he hadn’t realized gathered in his throat. “Go get him, tiger,” Gabriel whispered, slapping his shoulder.

            Castiel almost tripped getting out of the car, but refused to look at Gabriel as he slammed the door shut behind him. Gabriel sped off, revving the engine loudly, and it made Cas cringe. Dean, however, looked completely unphased, eying Cas with an almost predatory stare.

            “Hi,” Cas said awkwardly, approaching him. Dean lowered his eyes to meet his, his face giving nothing away. Cas scratched the back of his neck awkwardly.         

            “So where do you want to go?” Dean asked, his voice even.

            Cas fidgeted with the sleeve of his jacket. This was a very different Dean than the one he had woken up to…or was it? Dean was clearly in control, giving nothing away, just like Gabriel said. Dean only showed the cards he wanted Cas to see. Was that why Gabriel had told him about Sam and Ruby’s relationship? Had Dean had some kind of fight with Sam tonight? Is that why Gabriel tipped him off about Dean’s bad mood?

            “There’s a park,” Cas said suddenly, looking up with Dean with more conviction. “Not far from here.”

            “A park?” Dean asked. His tone betrayed a hint of surprise.

            “Yeah,” Cas said. “Let’s go.”

            There was rock music playing in the car, but he didn’t know who it was and didn’t really want to ask. Dean didn’t really seem to be in a talkative mood and he didn’t want to push him. Honestly, he felt like Dean was only seeing him because of the obligation of yesterday’s text and nothing more. The only words exchanged in the brief car ride was Cas telling Dean when to make a left, or a right, and Dean’s murmur of acknowledgements to show he had heard them.

            It was dark when they got to the park. There was a small brick building that had once been a private school, but it had changed hands and was currently unoccupied and boarded up. Next to it was a large park complete with swing sets, slides, a jungle gym, and the like. There was a basketball court next to the park but the nets had been removed and one of the poles bore a large dent and was tilted at an angle. The park was in surprisingly good shape for being an abandoned property, but the school was surrounded by woods on three sides and no one really knew that this building was here. The only reason Cas knew it was there was because Gabriel had taken him and his flatmates to try to break into the building last year, but Anna was bored by the whole thing and Balthazar was worried that they might get into trouble and so they ended up just giving up and going elsewhere.

            “Never knew this was here,” Dean murmured, shutting off the engine and stepping out of the car. Cas nodded casually to show he had heard him. There were two streetlights in the parking lot, but the park itself was a small walk away and was hidden by darkness. Cas got out of the car and looked around nervously. The park was so secluded that he could literally hear the silence in his eardrums. He looked around, but there didn’t seem to be anyone else around, just tall, dark trees dotting the skyline around them. Dean started walking purposely toward the playground, the grass crunching under his feet. Cas followed a few feet behind him, glancing nervously towards the treeline to make sure they were alone. Dean, however, seemed less concerned as he walked over to a wide swing and plopped down with a loud exhale.

            Cas sat down on a swing beside him, kicking a wooden chip with his foot. Dean pushed back on the swing and the chains gave a rusty squeak, but held him nonetheless as he looked up towards the sky. “This is kind of nice,” he said after a while, more to himself than anyone.

            Castiel nodded and made some noise in the back of his throat to show that he had heard him. “So what’s your story?” Dean asked.

            “My story?” Cas shrugged. He knew Dean would ask him about himself eventually, but he was boring. He didn’t have a story. He didn’t have anything to tell, certainly nothing that would interest the likes of Dean Winchester, who picked up boys by following them into bathrooms at parties. He shrugged openly. “I’m a man of many faces,” he said at length, trying to be coy. Dean, however, seemed less impressed.

            “I mean, you a student?” Dean asked.

            “Oh, uh, yes, yes I am,” Cas said quickly. “Uh, fourth year, multidisciplinary.”

            “Multidisciplinary,” Dean echoed.

            “Yeah,” Cas said. “I mean, I haven’t really picked a specific major yet. I like philosophy, I like history, I like writing, I like a lot of things. I hate the thought of confining myself to just one, you know?” Dean nodded and looked at his feet but said nothing. “And you?” Cas asked. “What’s your major?”

            “Uh, I’m not a student,” Dean said quickly, and Cas was almost sure Dean sounded a little ashamed of that. “My brother is. He’s a freshman but he’s got sophomore credit I think. He’s, he’s a real smart kid.”

            “Oh, what’s his name?” Cas asked, desperate for Dean to reveal that information himself before he let slip that Gabriel told him.

            “Sam, his name’s Sam,” Dean answered. “He’s-“ He shook his head. “He can be a handful.”

            “Brothers,” Cas said with a laugh, trying to sympathize.

            “You got one?” Dean asked.

            “No, no,” Cas said quickly. “No brothers, no sisters. Though I am really close with my roommates. They’re kind of like a second family to me.”

            “Are they?” Dean asked, as if he wasn’t too pleased with that information.

            “So if you’re not a student, where do you live?” Cas asked. Dean stood up quickly, and Cas got up too. “Sorry, I-“

            Dean spun around quickly and placed both of his hands on each side of Cas’ face, pulling him in for a kiss. Cas was surprised at first, but kissed him back eagerly. He didn’t even realize Dean had pushed him into the chain-link fence separating the swings from the basketball course until he heard the metallic squeak and felt the rusty metal scratch against the back of his neck.

            Dean wasted no time in reaching under Cas’ shirt, gently stroking his abs with his thumb as he continued to kiss him. Cas wanted to touch all of Dean at once, but found his movement trapped somewhat by his own jacket. He started to struggle out of it without breaking the kiss, but Dean broke it for him. “No, no, leave it on,” Dean said. Cas cocked his head to the side, but Dean gave him a wicked grin and unbelted Cas’ pants, jerking his jeans and boxers down to his knees in one swift tug. Cas ran a hand along his length as he kissed Dean again, barely noticing the fence that was now scraping uncomfortably against his bare ass.

            “Turn around,” Dean said as he turned Cas around and pushed him face first into the fence. Cas grunted as his cheek hit the fence, but bent over slightly and grabbed at the links with both hands. He felt Dean stick a finger into his anus and cried out for a moment in surprise before shutting his mouth quickly. Why the hell did he suggest going to the park in the first place? Who the hell knows could be watching them? Someone could come along at any minute – this was a stupidly bad idea. “Oh you are tight,” Dean whispered in his ear, biting his earlobe. Cas let out a stuttered sigh, and Dean withdrew his finger.

            “You ready?” Dean asked. Cas heard the squirt of a bottle from behind him and his heart started to beat a little faster.

            “Dean-“ Cas said nervously, but he could already feel Dean’s wet tip pushing up against him.

            “Breathe, just breathe,” Dean said as he pushed the tip inside of him. Cas cried out as Dean slowly pushed into him, giving him time to adjust to his size. Cas grunted and squeezed the fence with both hands, the metal cutting into his palms. “Breathe, just breathe, Cas,” Dean kept saying. “Just relax, okay?”

            Cas let a deep breath out and tried to relax, letting Dean push all the way inside of him. “Christ,” Dean exclaimed. “Christ Cas, you’re so tight.”

            Cas just moaned as Dean started off at a slow pace, steadying himself on Cas’ hips with one hand and jerking Cas off with the other. “Oh God, Dean-“ Cas groaned as Dean started to pick up the pace.

            As Dean’s thrusts became harder and faster, he put both hands on Cas’ hips to hold him in place. Cas moved his hand to his own dick, spreading the moist pre-cum around his tip before he started running his hand up and down his shaft. The chain link fence was squeaking with every thrust, but Cas cared less and less about someone seeing them as he got closer and closer to cumming.

“Oh fuck,” Dean murmured as he went in and out, faster and harder. “Oh, _fuck_ Cas. Oh _fuck-_ “

As Dean stilled inside of him, Castiel worked himself frantically to get his release and found it a few moments later, cumming all over the ground, although he was sure he accidently got a few drops on his boxers or his jeans, which had now slipped down around his ankles.

Dean pulled out and wiped his mouth with the back of his hand. Cas quickly pulled up his pants and his eyes darted again to the treeline to make sure no one had seen them. Dean, however, took his time wiping off his dick with some sort of washcloth or handkerchief he had in his pocket. The lube, the towel – obviously this rendezvous had been pre-planned.

“Ready to go?” Dean asked after he had cleaned himself up.

“Yeah,” Cas said after a moment. Dean took a step forward and kissed him again, softly, chastely, biting Cas’ bottom lip gently as he pulled away. Dean gently intertwined his fingers with Cas and they walked the short distance back to the car.

Dean, as it turns out, was a lot more chummy after he had just been fucked. He talked about how much he loved the band that was playing through the speakers, Kansas, as it turns out, and talked about how he used to listen to classic rock all the time on long road trips with his father when he and Sammy were kids. Cas nodded appreciatively at all the right times but didn’t inquire further, afraid to lure Dean out of his talkative mood.

“You want anything?” Dean asked suddenly. Cas blinked at him, before staring past Dean at the brightly lit display of food behind him at the Bjergson’s drive-thru menu.

“Oh, just, whatever,” Cas shrugged, trying to look non-committal. The truth was that while Dean was talking, Cas saw nothing but him. He was too busy trying to find the right shade of green to compare his eyes too. He was too busy admiring how Dean’s clothes seemed to fit him perfectly, accenting his muscles in every right way. He was too busy trying to memorize Dean’s every word that he didn’t even notice that they pulled through a burger drive-thru. It seemed like the kind of stupid cliché that would happen in movies, not real life, but here he was, admiring Dean like a boy with a bad crush.

Dean got two burgers with a milkshake and fries. Cas assumed that the food was all for Dean, but as the short, blonde girl at the window handed Dean the milkshake he took a large slurp before handing it off to Cas.

“What?” Dean asked, catching a glimpse of surprise cross Cas’ face.

“Nothing,” Cas said with a slight grin to himself as he took the milkshake. “Just- you don’t seem the type to share your food.”

“Well,” Dean cocked his head to the side as he took the rest of the food and pulled away from the drive-thru. “I was going to eat all the fries. Maybe now I’ll give you one.”

“Two,” Cas said laughing as he pulled the bag from Dean. He pulled out a long fry and stuffed it in his mouth, chewing it dramatically in front of him. Dean just laughed, a sort of raw, carefree laugh. Cas smiled to himself and pulled out another fry and offered it to Dean, almost surprised when Dean ate it straight from his hand.

Dean parked in a little area behind his complex of apartment buildings that was meant for employees and visitors to park. It was deserted now, save for two cars that Cas knew to be abandoned as they had sat there, untouched, for a few months now. It was nice because it was a secluded area, around a tight corner and far enough from Cas’ own apartment to worry about anyone seeing.

They ate and chatted about general things, mostly Cas’ classes and how tests were essentially a waste of time. Dean was of the opinion that if you wanted to know the answer to something, you look it up, and that’s how you learn. On an as-needed basis, one thing at a time.

“Do you want to come upstairs?” Cas asked at length. He had been dreading this question all night, but he liked Dean, hell, more than liked Dean, and he didn’t really care what Anna had to say about it.

Dean raised his eyebrows and pursed his lips together, as if taken aback by the question. “Nah, Cas-“

“No, it’s fine,” Cas smiled quickly. “No need to give Anna a heart attack.”

“Yeah,” Dean chuckled. “Yeah, I just- I got work in the morning.”

“Work?” Cas asked, sounding more surprised than he should have been.

“Yes, Cas,” Dean said. “I do work.”

“Where?” Cas asked. “If that’s not too-“

“Mechanic work,” Dean answered. “Few miles from here. Singer Salvage Yard. I work for my uncle Bobby.”

Cas blinked and put two and two together. So that’s why Gabriel said Dean liked cars. “Oh,” Cas said after a few moments, trying not to give anything away.

“What?” Dean asked. “You don’t think I- what? Look the type? To be a mechanic?”

“No, no, I know you’re good with your hands,” Cas said, suddenly feeling bold. Dean opened his mouth but then shut it again.

“So if you’re not going to come up,” Cas said, feeling bolder. “Then I want to fuck you right here in the back of your car.”

 

 


	3. Chapter 3

When Cas opened his eyes the next morning, he heard his phone beeping excitedly next to his ear. He rolled over onto his stomach eagerly, pulling the screen in front of his face. He held his breath for a moment before unlocking the screen, trying to push away the disappointment that collected in his chest as he realized it wasn’t Dean. It was Kevin, the student he was assigned to work on that ecology presentation with. They had been assigned the topic of John B. Calhoun’s behavioral sink, at least that’s what Cas had written down in his notebook. He had no idea what those words actually meant, though he could at least guess that the presentation was not going to be about a physical sink.

            “Seriously that thing is due in two weeks,” Kevin had written. “I know you’re busy but could we at least meet up and get it out of the way?”

            “Sure,” Cas wrote back. “Pick a night this week and let me know.”

            “Wednesday or Thursday,” Kevin replied.

            Castiel hesitated for a moment before typing back. What if Dean wanted to see him and was more free on Wednesday or Thursday? Should he send him a text and ask?

            He let out a troubled breath, rubbing his forehead as he stared up at the ceiling. He needed to calm down. It was fun getting caught up in Dean, but he couldn’t make him his whole world. He had done that before and it had ended – well, poorly simply didn’t cut it. This is why he tended to drift along unattached, because when he fell, he fell hard. His classes had to come first, even if he didn’t really have a clue what he wanted to do with his degree.

            He sighed loudly. _Never make yourself too available_ , someone had told him once. “I think I can do Wednesday,” Castiel typed back.

            “See you then,” came Kevin’s quick reply. “My place okay?”

            “Sure,” Castiel typed back. He put the phone down and looked back up at the stark white ceiling overhead. His phone did not beep again.

            Castiel drifted along through classes that day. He only had three, but then again, none of them really required much thought. That was the benefit to taking a lot of liberal arts classes – it was a lot of presentation and papers and “opinion essays” but not a lot of tests or anything that required memorizing factual presentation. An obligatory math class was the only exception to that, but luckily Cas had locked into taking an online mathematics course than Balthazar graciously helped with.

            In fact, it wasn’t until midway through his last class when he felt his phone vibrate in his pocket. He generally ignored his phone so as not to be called out by the teachers, but this was a basic psychology class in a large auditorium, and he was sitting pretty far in the back. He pulled out his phone quietly, strategically positioning it in front of his laptop to make it look like he was just typing notes.

            “What are you doing Wednesday night?”

            Castiel gaped at his phone. What the hell? Out of all the nights in the week that Dean Winchester could pick, why would he ask him what he was doing on Wednesday night?

            He glanced up at the powerpoint in the front of the room. Usually it was a good distance away that he almost struggled to see it, but suddenly it felt like it was right in front of his face. The room felt like it was shrinking, the seats too close together.

            Castiel sat up a little straighter and took a breath. _Don’t make yourself too available._

            “Working on a presentation for a class.”

            Cas held his phone out in front of him, swiping at it quickly when the screen timed out. But when it timed out a second time, he tucked it back into his pocket. The powerpoint slide was still in front of him, but Castiel couldn’t read it. He tried to focus on what the teacher was saying, but it didn’t sound like English. By the end of class, Dean still didn’t text him back and Cas was starting to worry it sounded like he rejected him.

            He walked back to his apartment in double-time, taking deep breaths through his nose and shallow ones out a narrow space in his lips. By the time he was back to his apartment he was almost out of breath.

            “Well look who it is,” Gabriel said as he walked in. Both Gabriel and Balthazar were sitting in the kitchen, papers spread out in front of them. “How’s it going, Romeo?”

            Castiel glared at him and put a finger to his lips before pointing it in the direction of Anna’s closed door. “Not here,” Balthazar replied simply.

            “You told him?” Cas huffed at Gabriel, still trying to catch his breath.

            “Bits and pieces,” Balthazar answered. “I know you went to see that Winchester boy last night.”

            “Does Anna know?” Cas asked.

            “Not from us,” Gabriel said incredulously.

            Cas breathed out, looking around the room. He didn’t want to say anything, but then again, bottling this up was not going to help him. “I need some advice.”

            “Some love advice?” Gabriel asked. “Need to borrow my Karma Sutra?”

            “Or maybe he wants to play MASH to see if they’ll end up together,” Balthazar continued.

            Castiel headed towards his room, but Gabriel jumped in front of him. “Okay, okay, okay, we get it. You’re not a sixteen year old girl. What’s going on?”

            Castiel shrugged weakly. “Well Dean texted me and-“

            “You said something and he’s not texting you back?” Gabriel asked. Cas didn’t nod, but stared Gabriel down, conveying the affirmative. “I’m sorry, I’m sorry, I was wrong. You’re not a sixteen year old girl. You’re a twelve year old girl.”

            Castiel groaned and walked into his room while Gabriel and Balthazar laughed behind him. “Very funny,” Castiel muttered as he threw down his backpack. He walked into the kitchen and started to rummage through the fridge.

            “No, no, it’s cute,” Balthazar shrugged. “It’s so- high school.”

            “Well considering I haven’t _been_ in a real relationship in-“ Cas started hotly, but Gabriel cut him off.

            “Cas, it’s nothing.” He pointed at the clock. “Assume Dean’s working nine to five. It’s not even five yet. He probably got a quick break, texted you, and then went back to work.” Cas slumped into his arms and groaned. “It’s not like you texted him a million times – did you?”

            “No,” Cas said quickly, looking up. “He asked to see me on Wednesday. I told him I couldn’t because I’m working on a presentation.” Balthazar chucked and Gabriel grinned and looked away. “What?”

            “Basically you just told Dean Winchester you didn’t want to have sex because _one_ presentation for _one_ class is more important,” Gabriel laughed, looking on the ceiling. “Man, Cas, what goes through your head?”

            “I didn’t want to seem desperate!” Cas almost yelled, which only led Balthazar and Gabriel to laugh openly now. “Don’t make yourself too available?” Cas asked. “Isn’t that a saying?”

            “Yeah,” Balthazar responded. “For kids. When you’re first dating. I mean, you don’t think you’re actually dating Dean, do you?”

            “I-“ Castiel bit his lip. “No, I guess not.”

            “You have a bit of fun together, you shag, and then you stop when you get bored of each other,” Balthazar shrugged. “Now I don’t know much of this Dean, but I do know that no one’s stayed with him for more than a few weeks.”

            Cas tried to meet Gabriel’s eye, but he seemed determined not to meet it.

            “Yeah,” Cas said. “Yeah, you’re uh, you’re right.”

            “So stop acting like a nervous school girl,” Balthazar continued. “Let it last for however long it lasts, have some fun, and then move on.”

            “Yeah.” Cas wiped his hands on his pants. “I’m going to uh, get some work done.” Cas nodded at them before heading into his room, making sure to keep the door open. He sat in front of his open laptop, but found it difficult to focus on anything. What Balthazar had said kept echoing around his brain. It’s just for fun, just have some fun and then move on. It was like Balthazar was actively encouraging him not to get attached to Dean.

            He was right, Castiel could admit to that. Given the history of Dean Winchester, it was smart not to get attached. It felt like they were playing a game with the ball constantly in Dean’s court. There was really nothing he could-

            The phone buzzed in his pocket again and he fished it out.

            “Any chance I could persuade you to do something else instead?”

            Castiel grinned. He rubbed his chin with one hand, trying to ignore the elation rising in his chest.

             He typed out his message and let his thumb linger over the send button before he finally just allowed himself to press it. Surely he could push that presentation off to another day. Say he had some important meeting come up or something. Kevin would understand. He looked at the message again. Maybe Dean liked the chase, liked the game.

            “Perhaps I can be persuaded.”


	4. Chapter 4

Everything was going to well for Cas, or at least that’s what it seemed like. He had agreed to meet Dean tonight and while Kevin wasn’t happy about the rescheduling, there wasn’t much he could do. Even Anna had been friendlier with him, acting like nothing ever happened. Either one of the guys had said something to her or she simply thought that it would take its course and Cas would end up as another one of Dean’s jilted lovers. Either way, as long as things were okay between them, the topic of Dean Winchester did not have to come up.

            He had agreed to meet Dean at the same park they had visited previously, Dean’s idea. Of course it was Dean’s idea – although the park was in the middle of a pretty residential area, the line of forest around the playground unnerved Cas. Never know when a werewolf or something was going to pop out of the forest and turn him into the first few minutes of a horror movie. Even still, Cas had decided not to ask Gabe for a ride. He didn’t want to answer any questions about Dean, and decided to instead opt for the forty minute walk to the park by himself. Not that it was a bad walk, although the cool night air bristled around him and Cas found himself wishing he had worn a warmer jacket.

            By the time he reached the park, his feet ached and his hands were cold. He clenched and unclenched his fist, trying to push some blood into his fingers. He looked around but all he could see was just the deserted park. He stretched his neck from the right to the left and then plopped himself down on a swing, pulling his phone out of his pocket. 8:06 PM. Dean told him to meet him there at 8. Surely he wasn’t the guy to take off if Cas was a few minutes late?

            Cas frowned at his phone. “Here,” he typed. He hit send and then looked away from his phone. Dean was probably just running late, although his heart had started to feel like a stone in his chest. Something was wrong, he could just feel it. He pulled up the news app on his phone and tried to read, but the letters blurred in front of him. It was cold and the temperature was steadily dropping. The wind blew through the trees and shook the branches menacingly in the dim light.

            He sighed again and scrolled through a few other apps on his phone, but the minutes seems to drag on for hours. He finally absorbed himself in a cooking app and by the time he checked his phone again it was 8:34 PM. Cas’ eyes widened as he saw the time and looked up at the empty parking lot almost accusingly. _Where was he?_

            Feeling justified, Cas finally plucked up the nerve to call Dean. He had never actually called Dean on the phone and he was not one to like talking on the phone. Texting, fine. Talking? Nope, not for him. Today, however, he could make an exception. But the pit in his stomach sunk lower and lower until he heard Dean’s voice: “Dean Winchester, leave a message.” Short, simple, concise. Cas opened his mouth and closed it again. The voicemail beeped and Cas quickly jerked the phone away from his ear and frantically hit the end button to hang up the call before it left a voicemail. There was no need to leave any message; Dean would know why he called.

            He waited exactly two minutes before picked up the phone again and dialing a different number.

            “Hellllllllo.” His voice was so relaxed, and for some reason Cas could feel his blood boil.

            “I need you to come pick me up.” Cas tried to keep his voice even but could tell he was failing miserably.

            “Oooh, the gruffy voice,” Gabe said snarkily into the phone. “What’s a matter? Have a fight with your boy toy?”

            “He stood me up.” Cas wrinkled his nose.

            “Where are you?” He almost expected Gabe to make some snarky comment, but instead his voice had somehow become alert, almost concerned.

            “That park out by the,” Cas waved his hand in the air. “That building you tried to break into.”

            “On my way,” Gabe said as the phone clicked. Cas pulled the phone away from his ear and raised his eyebrows, cocking his head to one side. Well, Gabe was efficient, he would give him that. And he didn’t ask a thousand prying questions, which was much appreciated right now. He sighed and looked around him, still hoping that Dean would show up at any second so he could just call Gabe back and tell him to forget it. But deep down he had a feeling that the first pair of headlights that would pull into the parking lot were the one on Gabe’s car.

            Ten minutes later, a car pulled up into the parking lot without its lights on and turned off its engine. Cas had gone back to the cooking app, although his fingers were so cold he could barely tap and drag on the screen. He quickly turned off the light on his phone and sat in the still darkness, staring at the car. The door opened, and Cas held his breath for a moment. “Cas?” Gabe’s voice called through the brisk air.

            Cas’ shoulders slouched and he sighed with relief as he stood up. “Yeah, it’s me,” he mumbled as he made his way to the car. “You know you’re driving with your lights off.”

            In the darkness, he could see Gabe turn his head to the side. “Oh that explains a lot. I was wondering if my night vision was starting to fail me.”

            Cas sighed and got into the car as Gabe slipped in beside him, but did not turn on the ignition. Cas didn’t want to look at him.

            “You okay?”

            Cas huffed like a frustrated teenager. “Sure.”

            “Are you?”

            “Dean stood me up.”

            “Do you want me to offer my condolences?”

            Cas was stuck between a sarcastic “sure” and a defiant “no,” but it was the “no” that eventually won out.

            Gabe was quiet for a moment. “Cas-“

            “Can we go?” Cas asked. He didn’t want to sit here and wait for Dean. He was cold and disappointed. He wanted to go.

            “So, he didn’t say anything?” Gabe ventured as he started the ignition and pulled out of the parking lot.

            “He told me to meet him here at 8,” Cas said. “Haven’t heard from him since.”

            “I heard there was a party at Block 16,” Gabe ventured. “Do you want to swing by, see if maybe-“

            “No,” Cas said sharply. “No I want to go home.”

            “Okay, just trying to be helpful,” Gabe muttered under his breath.

            Cas sighed, glancing at his reflection in the side view mirror. “I’m sorry, thank you.”

            “Manners,” Gabe teased, raising his eyebrows. “I’d almost tell you to tell Anna he stood you up to get back on her good side, but it looks like she’s already gotten over it, so you’d probably be best not to mention it at all.”

            “And don’t tell Balthazar either,” Cas said. “If they- what?”

            Gabe raised one hand and stammered, glancing over at Cas.

            “Oh, oh no, Gabe-“ Cas rubbed his forehead with his palm.

            “It’s not my fault,” Gabe answered. “You, my friend, have terrible timing. We had just settled into a game of poker with Josh and the rest of the guys when you called and I wasn’t about to leave you hanging.”

            Cas sighed. “I’m sorry.”

            “Don’t mention it.” Gabe glanced at the clock. “By this time they’re probably already on their second beer. They give everything away when they’re drunk, it’s fantastic.”

            Cas forced the corners of his lips into a smile without really feeling it. Gabe had his poker nights at least once every two weeks, all on different nights so it was hard to predict when they were going to happen. Usually he just closed his door and put a pillow over his head or went to the library, but today he wanted to go into his room and sulk. He didn’t want to deal with this.

            “Actually, can you drop me off at the library?” Cas asked. “I’ve got a research project on some sort of sink I was supposed to work on with somebody. I cancelled on him at the last minute so he might be working.”

            “Oh, so you blew him off and then Dean blows you off?” Gabe asked. Cas shot him a look. “What? I’m just saying. Karma’s a bitch.”

            “Guess so.” Cas leaned his cheek against the cool glass and closed his eyes.

            When he opened them again, he was already standing in the library, walking through the study tables to try to find Kevin. He finally found him sitting in a corner, books stacked high around him.

            “Castiel.” His eyebrows raised in surprise as Cas approached the table.       

            “Hiya.” Cas tried his best to be as cordial as possible. “Meeting ended early, so I was hoping I’d catch you here.”

            “Yeah, I’m probably going to be here all night,” Kevin said, tapping one of the books with the tip of his pen. “Lot of material to go through.”

            “Well,” Cas pulled up a chair and pulled a book off one of the stacks Kevin had created. “Let’s get to reading.”

 

            ---

 

            Cas dreamed that he was standing in the middle of a large white porcelain sink. There was a shiny silver metal drain at the top and the ledges of the sink were at least fifteen feet tall around him. As he was trying to decide how to get out of the sink, he suddenly saw a rat coming towards him. He turned around, but there was another rat coming from the other direction. Suddenly there were rats everywhere, beneath him, above him, on all sides of him. He was drowning in rats. He kicked his arms and legs and tried to cry out, but all he got was a mouthful of their rough fur. He was trying to wade his way through the rats, trying to figure out if he could make it to the side of the sink and try to climb over it or if it was better to crawl through the drain when he felt a sudden shaking on his right arm and his eyes jerked open.

            “Woah, woah, Cas, you okay?” At first he thought it was Dean standing above him until his eyes refocused and realized that it was actually Kevin. They were still in the library.

            Cas said nothing as he rubbed his face with the sleeve of his jacket. Kevin walked back down around to his side of the table and sat down. “Rats. I was drowning in a sink full of rats.”

            Kevin grinned and shut the book he had open in front of him. “Well, at least something you read sank in. It’s 7:30 AM, Cas, we should probably call it a night. Or morning.”

            “Yeah, yeah,” Cas scratched his head and yawned into his elbow.

            “I’ll finish up here,” Kevin said. “You okay getting back?”

            “Yeah, I live at TC,” Cas said sleepily.

            “The Crossings?” Kevin asked. “Oh nice, that’s only like, a few minutes from here right? I live at the Red Brick.”

            “Oh okay,” Cas nodded. The Red Brick was another apartment complex about a mile down the road. Honestly it was a lot nicer than TC, but Cas wasn’t one to complain. As long as he got a room with his own bathroom, he had nothing to complain about. “Need a ride back?”

            “Oh, no, my girlfriend lives in the dorms,” Kevin said. “I just crash with her when I pull an all nighter here. It tends to happen a lot.”

            “Yeah.” Cas smiled pleasantly but was still half asleep. “Yeah, well, I’ll make a rough outline of what we can talk about in the presentation and then we can fill it in as we go along.”

            “Good idea,” Kevin replied as he stood up. “See ya, man.”

            “Yeah, see you,” Cas said. He resisted the urge to check his phone until he got outside. At first he got excited to see two missed calls an three missed texts, but his heart dropped a little to see that they were all from Gabriel, wanting to see if he was okay and wanting to know if he’d need a ride back from the library.

            “Walking back now,” he replied. He put the phone back in his pocket and kept walking before pulling it out again and adding, “Thanks mom.”

            So maybe Dean had blown him off, but right now he had friends. He had people that cared about him, and he was too tired to care about the complicated mess that was Dean Winchester. And as tired as he was, just knowing that there was at least one person who cared enough to make sure he got home safely in the middle of the night or early hours of the morning was enough. 


	5. Chapter 5

“Sorry something came up.”

            That was the message that had been sitting in his phone for hours now. Castiel had not responded and there had been no further messages. No phone calls. No other attempts to get in touch.

            Not that he expected Dean Winchester to grovel, or beg for that matter. The truth was Cas didn’t even really care that something came up. If he was busy, that was one thing. If he was late working for his uncle, that was fine. Sure, it was rude to not let him know, but maybe he had his hands deep in axel grease or something and couldn’t touch his phone. Not that that theory held much water, considering Dean had gone all night without texting him back. Cas had told him he had been waiting at the park. Wasn’t he at least slightly concerned about how Cas got home? Worst case scenario, what if Cas was mugged and left for dead in a ditch somewhere?

            Cas sighed. He had brought that up to Gabriel right after he got the message, but Gabriel seemed to have a change of heart overnight. “People get busy, Cas,” Gabe told him. “He probably figures you borrowed my car or something. You’re a grown man; he figures you know how to find your way home by now.”  

            “But wasn’t it rude of him not to tell me anything at all?” Cas pressed. “I could have been waiting there all night.”

            “Again, grown man,” Gabe told him. “Sometimes people really do get busy. Sometimes things come up. Could have been a family emergency for all you know.”

            “Was it?” Cas had asked eagerly. “Do you know something?”

            Gabe opened his mouth, seemed like he was thinking about, before telling him, “No,” and walking away.

            It was starting to drive him crazy. He tried to do other things, do homework, play video games, but it all came down to Dean. Part of the problem was that he was waiting for Dean to text him again. He wanted Dean to feel bad, at least a little bit. He wanted a legitimate apology, not a quick “sorry,” as if they had bumped into each other in a hallway.

            Castiel sighed and thought about what Gabriel had said again. If he was truly a grown man, he would take the high road. “It’s okay,” he finally wrote back. “Are you okay?”

            He pulled up a video game as he waited for an answer, but there wasn’t one. Several hours passed, and although Cas managed to have moments where his mind was totally occupied, he was starting to wonder if Dean had actually gotten hurt or something and didn’t want to say.

            Again, right as Cas felt like he was starting to reach his breaking point into apathy, there was a knock on the door. “Visitor,” Balthazar called through the thin wood.

            “One sec,” Cas answered, pausing the game. He had been getting a nagging feeling that he should start working on the outline for his presentation, and although his mind thought of almost nothing but Dean Winchester for the entire day, for some reason he expected Kevin to be at the door.

            He was about to stand up when he heard the door open and shut behind him. He craned his neck to see-

            “You.”

            “Yes, me,” Dean chuckled. Dean looked, well, just as Dean looked the last time he last saw him. Ragged jeans, leather jacket, cocky grin.  “Were you expecting someone else?”

            “No,” Cas answered. He had dropped his jaw somewhere on the floor and was having trouble picking it up.

            “Oh, I get it,” Dean said as he plopped himself down at the end of Cas’ bed. “You’re mad at me for last night then, aren’t you?”

            “No,” Cas answered quietly.

            “Well then,” Dean leaned back, balancing himself on the edge of the bed. “If you’re not mad, what are you?”

            “I was worried about you,” Cas said softly, unable to meet Dean’s eyes. When he finally looked at Dean again, he was frowning.

            “I didn’t mean to worry you, Cas,” Dean looked around the room as if searching desperately for an excuse. “Something came up and I just forgot. I dropped everything and I-“ He shook his head.

            “You don’t have to explain,” Cas said, holding up his hand. “Unless you really want to.”

            “I don’t, really,” Dean said, pursing his lips. “It’s uh, family business.”

            Cas nodded. “I get it. It’s okay, Dean, I’m not mad at you.”

            “You sure?” Dean asked. “Cause you didn’t answer my text. It’s why I decided to swing by.”

            “Text?” Cas squinted and cocked his head to one side. “I answered your text. May have noticed it a little late, but I answered it.”

            “You did?” Dean stood up as he fished his phone out of his pocket. Cas watched his thumb move against the screen as he unlocked it, then push a few places on the screen to pull up his messages. He put his phone down with a small, “Huh.” Then looked at Cas. “That was awkward.”

            “No, I’m, I’m glad that you came,” Cas said, moving to the bed beside him.

            “I bet you are,” Dean said, raising his eyebrows. “I mean, I know we decided it’s probably best I didn’t drop by while Anna’s around-“

            “But now that you’re here-“ Cas started, moving his face closer to Dean’s.

            “-and quiet,” Dean finished for him as he pulled Cas’ lips towards to meet his own. He kissed him softly, gently, in a way they hadn’t really kissed before. Before it had been rough and passionate. This was by all means passionate, but it was a lot slower than before. Dean kept pressing his nose against Cas’ cheek before kissing him again, tugging at his bottom lip, and it struck him that Dean almost appeared…needy.

            “Oh, Cas,” Dean sighed as Cas moved down to kiss his neck. He helped Dean out of his leather coat and unbuttoned his plaid shirt, pulling it down over his shoulders before pulling off his own tee shirt. He unbelted Dean’s jeans as he laid back, pulling them down over his hips. He pulled Dean’s cock out of the hole in his boxers and let it stiffen in his hand. He licked the tip delicately and listened to the sound of Dean moan as he parted his lips and slipped his mouth around Dean’s erection, taking in all of him. He moved up and down along Dean’s length, stroking his own cock as he did so.

            “Oh, Cas, oh fuck Cas,” Dean moaned, his hand fisting in Cas’ hair as he rocked back and forth, up and down. He slid up, licked Dean’s tip with the tip of his tongue before going back down on him again. “Fuck, Cas, don’t stop.”

            Dean was getting close now, he could tell. His eyebrows were furrowed and his fingers were grabbing frantically at the bed sheets. So Cas stopped. He pulled up and hovered over Dean expectantly.

            “What?” Dean opened his eyes, incredulous. “Why did you stop?”

            Cas raised his eyebrows and shrugged, keeping his lips tightly sealed.

            “You-“ Dean started. “What is this? Payback for last night? That’s not funny, Cas.”

            For a moment Dean looked downright angry and Cas’ mind blanked for a moment. Why had he stopped? Dean was right on the edge and for some reason he thought it would be funny to just…stop? Why would he do that?

            “I-“ Cas was about to apologize when Dean literally grabbed him by the shoulders and slammed him into the wall.

            “That’s not funny, Cas.” He let his face hover about an inch above Cas’ before he grabbed Cas’ face and kissed him hard. He bit the bottom of Cas’ lip as he was pulling it out and then broke the kiss. “Do you think that was funny, Cas?” he asked before kissing him roughly. He broke the kiss suddenly again and bit down into Cas’ shoulder, grabbing his dick firmly in one hand.

            Cas cried out with pain but was immediately silenced as Dean put his mouth over his, kissing him again before shoving Cas face-first into his own pillow. He felt Dean pull his boxers away and then he heard the squirt of a bottle before Dean thrust himself inside of him. Cas cried out into the pillow, but the sound was muffled as Dean put his hand on the back of his head, holding his face down to muffle the yell of surprise. As soon as Dean found his rhythm and Cas started moaning instead of grunting, Dean let Cas sit up more so that Dean could stroke his dick with one hand, the other hand holding firmly onto Cas’ waist.

            “Oh, Dean,” Cas moaned.

            “Is this what you wanted?” Dean asked, letting go of Cas’ dick and grabbing his waist with both hands so he could pump him harder. “Is this what you wanted Cas? Is it? Is it?”

            “Oh God, yes, Dean,” Cas moaned, pushing himself face first into the pillow to stifle the sounds as he came loudly. Dean thrust a few more times before he was able to find his release, leaning over and kissing Cas’ sweaty back.

            “Fuck, Cas,” Dean said, plopping down on the bed beside him. At first they just lay there, a sweaty pile of limbs and heavy breathing. “You are so good, Cas.”

            Cas was confused. “Thanks?”

            “No I mean it,” Dean rolled over onto his back. “Sometimes I’m at work and all I can think about is pounding that tight little ass of yours.” Cas chuckled. “Bet that’s all you think about in class too, huh?”

            “Yeah,” Cas said, leaning his head against the pillow. Although now that he thought about it, that wasn’t what he thought when he thought about Dean in class. He pictured his smile whenever he said Dean’s name. He pictured his green eyes sparking in the dim light. He pictured the way Dean blushed when he caught him looking at him for too long.

            Suddenly he leaned forward and pulled Dean towards him, kissing him with his open mouth. He slipped his hand behind Dean’s neck and held him in place with one hand, the other hand resting squarely on the small of Dean’s back. Dean seemed surprised as Cas continued to kiss him, picturing all the things he loved about Dean in order: his smile, his eyes, his blush.

            When he finally pulled away, Dean’s breathing was labored. It was a moment before he could bring his eyes up to look Cas in the face. “Wow, Cas, I can’t tell you the last time someone kissed me like that.”

            Cas just smiled as he laid against Dean’s chest, suddenly too tired to talk. “Hey um.” He could feel Dean’s lips brush against his earlobe. “I’m going to this party at the Armory tomorrow night. I want you to be there with me.”

            “Mmhmm.”

            “So you’ll go?”

            “Mmhmm.”

            Dean smiled and kissed Cas’ forehead, burying his nose in his hair. “I really want to stay, Cas, but I have work really early-“

            “I’ll set an alarm,” Cas muttered sleepily.

            Dean laughed. “Thanks, Cas, but I really should-“

            Cas propped himself up on one arm. “Do I have to kiss you again?”

            Dean laughed and wrapped his arms around Cas. “Bossy little thing, aren’t you? Okay then, looks like I’m not going anywhere tonight.”

            “Good,” Cas muttered. There was suddenly an awkward moment of silence that surfaced between them that only subsided when Dean kissed the top of Cas’ head, burying his nose in his sweaty hair.

            “Night, Cas.”

 

 


	6. Chapter 6

            “Are you kidding me?” Cas asked as he slumped down against the arm of the living room couch.

            “What is it?” Gabe asked. He, Balthazar and Anna were playing around in the kitchen. “Lover boy stand you up again?”

            “He did,” Cas exclaimed. Anna laughed out loud.

            “Ha!” she said triumphantly. “Told you so.”

            Cas stuck his tongue out at her. “He told me something came up again.”

            “Maybe he’s just too embarrassed to be seen with you,” Balthazar added.

            “Don’t say that,” Cas said loudly.

            “Are you still this insecure?” Gabe asked. “I thought I heard you two patch everything up last night.”

            “And that was last night, and this is now,” Cas answered. “Not only twice is one week, but at least this time I spent a long time getting ready.”

            “I know, that’s why we’re all standing over here,” Gabriel said, causing everyone else to snicker.

            Cas groaned and put his forehead in his hands.

            “Aw, don’t feel bad, Cas,” Anna sat beside him on the couch and put her hands on his shoulders. “For what it’s worth, you do look really good. I know-“ She looked back up at everyone else. “Let’s all go. The four of us.” She looked back at Cas. “Don’t need Dean to have a good time, do you?”

            Cas smiled up at her. “Guess not.”

            “I’m going to go get ready,” she called as she headed into her bedroom, slamming the door shut behind her.

            “Great,” Gabe sighed, looking at Balthazar. “So what do you fellas want to do for the next two hours?”

            As it turned out, Anna only needed about forty minutes to get ready, which was less time than it had taken Cas. Although he was a bit bummed that Dean wasn’t going to be there, he wasn’t as bothered by it this time. Dean had said specifically this time that something had come up with Sammy, and Cas knew how seriously he took his relationship with his brother, so he didn’t ask questions.

            Maybe he was still in a good mood from the sex last night, but Cas felt good. Drink in hand, dancing with his friends – things felt good, things felt right. “Hey, Cas, I’m going to sit down for a while,” Anna pointed to a group of tables against a far wall. “These heels are killing me. Will you bring a pitcher over?”

            “Sure thing,” Castiel said, wandering away from the group. As he weaved his way between groups of people towards the bar, someone snapped his arm.

            “Hello. Castiel?”

            Cas turned quickly to face whoever knew him by name. The guy looked to be a bit older than him, but on a college campus you never really could tell anyone by age. “Hello?” Cas began uneasily. “Do we have a class together?”

            Castiel smiled without showing any teeth. “A mutual friend.” He did not break eye contact with Cas. It was unnerving, to say the least. “Dean Winchester?”

            Cas blinked. This got his attention. “What’s your name?”

            “Crowley,” the man answered, but Cas only shook his head. “No? Hasn’t mentioned me? No surprise there, Dean isn’t exactly one to overshare about his past lovers.”

            Cas opened his mouth then shut it again. He knew he wasn’t the first guy Dean had been with, but this guy? Cas didn’t even find him even all that attractive, he was kind of plump, although his foreign accent did help things a bit. He expected Dean to be a bit choosier, going for guys only found in Calvin Klein ads.

            “Well, past is past,” Cas said firmly. He tried to move away, but Crowley’s firm grip on his arm remained.

            “Yeah, I hear he’s back into girls now,” Crowley said, clearly trying to goad a reaction.

            Castiel tried to keep his face even. “Is he?”

            “Yeah,” Crowley answered. “Just ran into him over at a sorority party at the Red Brick no more than an hour ago. Had some cute little thing hanging off his arm.”

            Cas felt something rise up inside of him, then pushed it back down. Clearly this Crowley character was simply trying to force a reaction out of him. Either he had seen something or heard something about them being together and wanted to stir up trouble. 

            “Okay, Crowley,” Cas forcibly removed Crowley’s hand from his arm. “The only way you know about me is because you know Dean and I are together. But I happen to know that he’s with Sam right now. So nice try, but you can stop now.”

            “Sam?” Crowley tilted his head to the side. “You mean his brother, Sam? The one that’s sitting, right over there?” Crowley pointed to a corner of the bar. Through the waves of people, he could see Sam sitting in a far corner drinking with a short girl with long black wavy hair.

            “Let me introduce you, hmm?” Crowley asked, leading the way through the crowd. Castiel tried to find his voice, but found he could do nothing but follow him speechlessly.

            “Sam?” Crowley asked, putting a hand on his arm.

            “Crowleyyyy,” Sam said laughing, turning in his direction. Sam was sloshed. Cas could practically smell the alcohol coming out of his mouth. The girl he was with – he guessed that was Ruby – wasn’t much better off.

            “Sam, you remember Castiel here?” Crowley asked, gesturing in Sam’s direction.

            Sam stared hard at Castiel before laughing again. “I’m sorry-“

            “One of Dean’s friends,” Crowley interrupted. “Surely, you’ve met.” Sam shook his head. “Oh come on, surely Dean’s told you about him-“

            Sam shook his head. Ruby leaned forward to whisper something in his ear and both of them collapsed in a fit of giggles.

            “Sorry,” Crowley turned back to Cas. “Looks like he doesn’t know you.”

            “We’ve never been introduced,” Cas managed at length.

            “And Dean hasn’t mentioned you either, that’s odd,” Crowley said, although it seemed as though he was talking to himself. “And he, he said he was with Sam, didn’t he?” Crowley looked around. “I don’t see him.”

            “You’ve made your point,” Cas snorted as he turned to leave.

            “Hey now,” Crowley put a hand on his shoulder. “I’m sorry to do this to you, I really am. You’re not the first person Dean’s hurt and you’re not going to be the last. I just wanted to show you what he’s really like before you go off and get yourself hurt.”

            “I appreciate your concern,” Castiel said quickly. He paused for a moment and reflected. Maybe Crowley was a spurned lover of Dean’s, but Dean had obviously lied to him about where he was going to be tonight.

            “It was nice meeting you,” Cas said at length before rushing off to the bathroom. Inside one of the stalls, he pulled up his phone and anxiously pulled up Dean’s message. No, there it was, in big black letters. He said he couldn’t go to the Armory tonight because he needed to help Sam out with something. Well, here was Sam. No Dean.

            Castiel took a deep breath in and let it out. It wasn’t that weird that Dean hadn’t even mentioned him to Sam. He was probably shy about who he had relationships with, and they hadn’t even been together for that long. But Crowley seemed to know, which was the weird part. He’d never met Crowley before. Was he still friends with Dean? Did Dean say something to him?

            Suddenly Cas felt annoyed, which was quickly followed by anger. Legitimate, righteous anger. First things were fine, then they weren’t. When Dean was with him things were fine, but when he wasn’t it seemed like all hell was breaking loose. Was Dean even with Sam on Wednesday night when he had blown him off? Or was he with someone else? Maybe Dean was playing both sides of the field. But if that was the game he was playing, Cas was interested in playing anymore.

            He walked out of the stall in a huff, running into Balthazar on the way out. “Watch where you’re going,” Balthazar joked. “Cas, are you all right?”

            “You have a spare key to Gabe’s car, don’t you?” Cas asked suddenly.

            “I do,” Balthazar began.

            “I need to borrow it,” Cas said quickly.

            “Are you drunk?” Balthazar asked.

            “Now,” Cas said in a deep voice.

            “Okay, you know what, Cas, if you need to go somewhere, I can drive you,” Balthazar said. “Where do you need to go?”

            “Red Barn,” he huffed. “It’s- it’s important.”

            “All right, let’s go then,” Balthazar turned to head out of the bathroom. “But at least wash your hands first.”

            Once they were in the car, Balthazar tried to make small talk. “How many drinks have you had?”

            “Two.”

            “Had fun in there?”

            “Sure.”

            “Who was that man you were talking to?”

            Cas looked over at him curiously. “His name’s Crowley. Do you know him?”

            “Nope,” he answered. “Gabe didn’t know him either. And Gabe knows everyone.”

            Cas pondered this for a moment.

            “Does it have something to do with Dean?” Balthazar asked. Cas only shrugged in answer. “Look, Cas, remember how we all used to tease you about being boring before this? You weren’t boring. You were driven in your academics, you were excited about going to school, about learning, even if you didn’t know what you wanted to learn. Now all you seem to do is fixate on this Dean character. You hang on his every word, on his every message. It’s not healthy, Cas.”

            “Yeah, well, I don’t think you have to worry about Dean for much longer,” Cas answered shortly.

            “So he is cheating then?” Balthazar asked.

            “Looks that way.”

            “And you’re going to confront him?”

            “I’m going to end it,” Cas said firmly. “I’m so done with this. I’m so done with caring about where he is or what he’s doing. It’s like, every five seconds I’m thinking about him and then he just runs off and bails on me. We barely know each other. It’s too much drama in too little time. I’m just, I’m just done. I don’t care anymore, I really don’t. I don’t care who he sleeps around with, I just want to confront him while he’s doing it so that he knows that I know, and that can be that.”

            Balthazar nodded quietly. “For what it’s worth, I’m sorry Cas. I know it’s not easy meeting guys. Was hoping your first catch would be a better one.”

            “Yeah, well, what are you going to do?” Cas slumped against the seat, defeated.

            “Oh, don’t let that fire burn out,” Balthazar advised him. “The angrier you are, the easier it will be to just tell him it’s over and walk away. If you get sad or sentimental, he’ll just find a way to reel you back in.”

            Cas let a faint smile tug at the corners of his lips.

            “Do you know he has this really gross mole on the inside of his thigh?” he asked suddenly. “It’s just a big mole, just sitting there. Like I’ll brush my hand against it in the middle of the night and at first I’ll freak out cause I think it’s a tick or something, but nope, just a big gross mole.”

            “Disgusting,” Balthazar agreed. Cas smiled, but looked forlornly into the rearview mirror. There was no mole. The truth is, Dean Winchester was a perfect physical human specimen. The only problem was that he apparently liked to share that. With everyone.

            “My friend Kevin lives here,” Cas said as Balthazar parked the car. “You don’t need to hang around. Go back to Gabe. He’ll be pissed as shit if he walks outside and sees his car gone.”

            “Fair enough,” Balthazar replied. “We’re your friends, Cas. We’re here for you. Let us know how it goes, all right?”

            “Will do,” Cas answered. He was about to walk away when he turned back around. “Balthazar, thank you-“           

            Balthazar raised his hand dismissively and started the car. Cas took a deep breath and faced the buildings sprawled out in front of him. His eye caught a group of girls in miniskirts laughing and heading towards one building in particular. He glanced around but saw no one else and figured following them was a good a chance as any to find Dean.

            He followed the girls behind a few buildings into a large common area, where a lot of people had gathered. People were drinking all over the lawn, and the ground was littered with red cups and cigarette butts. He took in a deep breath and started to weave through a bunch of people, keeping an eye out for Dean. He noticed a couple of classmates as he walked by, and one of them just so happened to meet his eye. Kevin.

            “Weird seeing you here,” Kevin said as he hit the side of Cas’ arm. “You’re looking good. I didn’t think this was really…your scene.”

            “Yeah, well, I’m looking for a friend of mine,” Cas shrugged. “Don’t happen to know Dean Winchester, do you?”

            “Never heard of him,” Kevin answered. “Hey, how’s that outline coming?”

            “Working on it,” Cas said nervously, but Kevin only laughed and hit his arm again.

            “No worries, no worries.” He was beginning to think that Kevin had had a few drinks before this conversation. He seemed a lot happier than he usually was. “Hey, so-“

            “Hey boys.” A girl with short black hair walked up to them.

            “Hey Tessa,” Kevin replied easily.

            “Ooh, Kevin, who’s your friend?” Tessa asked, looking Cas up and down. “I don’t think I’ve seen this one before.”

            “His name’s Castiel,” Kevin said.

            “Just Cas,” Cas said quickly.

            “You wouldn’t like him, he’s a real nerd,” Kevin said coolly.

            “Oh yeah?” Tessa asked. “What is it that you’re studying?”

            “Nothing, in particular,” Cas replied uneasily. He looked at Kevin for a save, but Kevin had started walking away from him. Shit.

            “What about you?” he asked awkwardly. “What are you studying?”

            “Pharmacology,” she answered.

            “Oh,” Cas stammered, not really sure what else to say.

            “So what are you doing here, handsome?” Tessa asked easily. “Haven’t seen you around before.”

            “I’m uh, looking for my friend,” Cas managed nervously. “Do you, uh, happen to know, uh, Dean Winchester?”

            “Dean Winchester.” Tessa’s face lit up with a grin, and Cas felt sick to his stomach. “Oh, every girl here knows Dean Winchester.”

            “Yeah?” Cas asked. “Know where I can find him?”

            “What’s a-matter?” Tessa pouted. “Dean steal your girl?”

            Cas laughing and scratched the side of his head. “Something like that.”

            “Well,” Tessa took one of Cas’ hands in both of hers. He could feel the color rising in his cheeks. “I think I saw him near my dorm. Maybe we can go back to my dorm, and uh, wait and see if he comes back? I’m sure we could find something to pass the time, hmm?”

            “Er, Tessa-“ Cas began awkwardly.

            “Tessa?” Another voice cut in. A familiar voice. Cas felt his heart drop into his stomach. “Wait, Cas?”

            “Dean.” Cas took a deep breath and turned to face him. Dean glanced down and noticed Cas’ hand intertwined in both of hers. He quickly jerked his hand free, clenching and unclenching his first a few times in quick succession.

            “I’ll leave you boys alone,” Tessa said shyly as she faded away into the crowd.

            “Cas?” Dean asked again. He blinked as though he couldn’t really believe Cas was standing in front of him. “What are you doing here?”

            “I could ask you the same question,” Cas replied curtly. Suddenly a girl with short red hair ran up to him, hugging one of Dean’s arms with both of hers.

            “Hey, I was wondering where you ran off to,” she said, looking up at him.

            “Uh, now is not really a good time,” Dean said quickly, gently easing her off.

            “Why not, Dean?” Cas asked harshly. “Now looks like as good a time as any.”

            The girl glanced nervously at Cas before taking a few steps back, away from them.

            “Cas,” Dean held out his hand. “It’s not what it looks like.”

            “Oh, isn’t it?” Cas asked. “How’s your brother doing, Dean?”

            “He’s uh, somewhere-“ Dean pointed behind him.

            “Really?” Cas asked. “Is he, Dean, really?”

            “Yes,” Dean huffed. “The real question is what are you doing? Are you stalking me? What the hell, Cas? I cancel on you again so your first thought is to come running over here to make sure my story checks out?”

            “Do you really want to play that game?” Cas asked. He didn’t even have to try to dig deep to be angry. It was flowing right beneath his skin. “I happened to run into Sam-“ Dean’s mouth opened, but Cas continued. “-didn’t know who I was, didn’t seem to really be needing your help at all.”

            “You saw him? Where?” Dean asked.

            “Oh you are so full of shit,” Cas spat. “No, seriously, were you even with him on Wednesday? Because you say you’re so worried about your brother, and here you are chatting it up with a bunch of sorority girls.”

            “Cas, I was-“ Dean started.

            “I don’t want to hear it Dean,” Cas said firmly. “I don’t care. It’s done.” He turned to go. “Oh, Crowley says hi, by the way.”

            “Wait, wait, Crowley?” Dean rushed forward and grabbed Cas’ shoulders, spinning him around to face him. Dean’s green eyes flashed, searching Cas’ face. His head dipped forward a little bit, and for a moment Cas thought Dean was going to kiss him. Suddenly, in that moment, that was all he wanted. He could practically taste Dean’s warm lips against his, his body pressed up against his-

            Dean suddenly glanced from left to right, as if suddenly aware of all the people around them, and took a step back. That was all Cas needed to know. “Sam’s at The Armory if you really care,” he said at length. “Goodbye Dean.”

            Dean made no effort to stop him as he turned to go.

 


	7. Chapter 7

            “You okay?” Kevin texted him. “You missed an entire week of class.”

            “Sick,” Castiel texted back. Quickly, way too quickly.

            “Presentation is still due,” Kevin wrote back. “Is there any way I can stop by and work on it with you?”

            “Will send you the outline tonight,” Cas answered.

            “Okay cool,” Kevin wrote back. “You sure you’re okay, Cas? I’m here to talk if you need me.”

            “Thanks,” Cas answered before he set his phone down. He opened up his email and searched through his folders until he found the outline for the presentation he had completed a few days ago. He dropped it in the email attachment and sent it over.

            A few hours later, there was a knock on the door. Three times, quick succession. Anna.

            “What?”

            “Dean’s here to see you.”

            Cas mumbled something.

            Anna opened the door. “What?”

            “He doesn’t text me, he doesn’t call me, instead he just shows up at the door a week later to explain himself,” Castiel mused. “I don’t want to see him.”

            “Do I have your permission to tell him to go fuck himself?” Anna asked.

            “Go for it,” Cas replied lazily as Anna closed the door to his room again. He could hear muffled voices through the door before he heard Anna shout, “And go fuck yourself!” Before the door slammed shut, rattling the whole house.

            “Thanks for letting me do that,” Anna said as she came back in.

            “You’re welcome,” Castiel replied. He expected her to go, but she sat down on the edge of the bed instead.

            “You know, we’re all really worried about you.”

            “I know,” Castiel responded. “I just need time.”

            “Want to talk about it?” Anna asked. Why did people keep asking him that?

            “There’s nothing to say,” Cas answered. “I thought that maybe there was something between us. Like, something serious. Besides just sex. Obviously that was my mistake.”

            “It’s not your fault,” Anna said quickly. “Honestly, Cas, I wish you could have seen him just now. A split lip does _not_ suit him.”

            Cas whirled around to look at her. “Split lip?”

            Anna clapped a hand over her mouth. “Oh _shit._ ”

            “You need to talk, right now,” Cas turned to face her. “What happened?”

            “He-“ Castiel raised his eyebrows expectantly. “Gabe, he got involved. Wanted to find out what happened. By the way you were sulking in here he was worried Dean had actually, actually hurt you. Dean, well, in Gabe’s words he was feeding him a ton of shit and giving him a bunch of excuses so Gabe, well, decked him.” She ran a hand through her long hair, pulling it over one shoulder. “He made us all swear never to tell you.”

            Cas groaned and rubbed between his eyes with one hand. “Whatever, I don’t care, it’s done.”

            “You keep saying that you don’t care.” Anna frowned. “You need to care about something.”

            “I don’t, though,” Cas answered.

            “You have your classes-“ Anna started.

            “But beyond that, what do I have?” Cas asked her. “I have no idea what I want to do with my life. None. I don’t know what to do. I thought that eventually some spark would go off and I would find what I wanted. And a spark did go off. With him. And then I thought, for some reason, stupidly, that if I invested enough of myself in him that I would suddenly realize what I wanted to do.” He sighed. “Obviously that was a mistake.”

            “No, no,” Anna said quickly. “That’s not a mistake. Investing yourself in him was a mistake, but that doesn’t sound stupid at all, Cas. A lot of people don’t really know what to do with their lives and find other people to fill that hole. It’s not wrong, but it’s not right either. Being with someone isn’t going to immediately clue you in on who you really are. It’s going to take some time, Cas, but you’ll figure out who you are and what you want. But Dean’s not going to tell you what that is. He’s not going to be a part of it.”

            “I guess you’re right,” Cas shrugged.

            “Think about it,” Anna continued. “Sure, he has a job working for his uncle, but do you really think that’s what he wants to do? Everyone has that one unobtainable ideal, and some people know they have one but don’t know what it is.”

            “What if all I want is just to be with someone?” Cas asked at length. “What if my thing, what if it’s not a job, or a hobby, but a person?”

            “You’ll find someone, Cas,” she said gently. “But you have to find a hobby or something that you enjoy doing. You can’t let yourself become swallowed by one person. Think about the guy you were before you met him. Wouldn’t you say he was a happy guy?”

            “He didn’t know what he was missing out on,” Cas replied.

            “No,” Anna answered. “I think that guy knew who his friends were, and knew that as long as he counted on them and had a positive attitude, he could do anything he set his mind to.”

            Cas let out a long sigh as he thought about what she said. “I wish he never followed me into that bathroom.”

            “What?” Anna asked, but Cas just shook his head. “Okay, well I can see you have a message. Think about what I said, okay Cas?”

            “Sure,” Cas said quickly, turning back to his computer. He had left his Facebook page open and the notification page at the top said that he had one new message. Probably Kevin responding to the outline.

            But it wasn’t Kevin. It was from some girl that he had never seen before. She had long red hair in her profile picture, and looked like she was wearing some sort of cosplay. He looked at the name “Charlie Granger” but it didn’t seem familiar. “Hey Cas,” she had written. “I need to talk to you. Please answer.”

            He sat in front of the computer, staring at it. Should he answer? She called him Cas. Dean also called him Cas. Was she abbreviating his name just to seem more friendly or did she have some connection to Dean?

            “I know you saw my message,” she wrote. “Facebook tells you whenever someone reads your messages, you know.”

            Another minute passed. “I know you read that too. Stop being rude.”

            Cas laughed to himself. He was the one being rude? Some strange girl messaged him insisting he talk to her and he was being rude? “You’re persistent,” he typed a minute later.

            “Very,” she wrote back. He looked at the little letters at the bottom of the screen that told him she was typing a message. “What you saw Friday night was totally wrong. It’s not what you think.”

            He stared at the message. Friday night? He never met any girl with long red hair Friday night, had he? “I think you have me mixed up with someone else,” Cas wrote.

            “Now’s a good a time as any,” she wrote back. “You sounded very grumpy.”

            Suddenly it struck Cas this was the girl with the short red hair that was clinging to Dean’s arm. “Sorry,” Cas wrote sullenly. “Didn’t mean to be rude to your boyfriend.”

            “He was your boyfriend first,” Charlie wrote, then quickly added, “^Joke. Total joke. I’m not into Dean.”

            Cas rolled his eyes. It seemed like every girl was into Dean. “Okay.”

            “I’m more into the girls that are into him,” she wrote. “He makes an incredible wingman.”

            Cas paused for a moment, letting it sink in. She was a lesbian. Oh. Oh great. He just assumed by the way she was hanging off his arm- “I’m a lesbian,” she wrote. “In case that wasn’t clear.”

            “I get it,” he wrote.

            “Then?” she asked. “Why are you being all pissy?”

            Cas narrowed his eyes. Really? Is this what Dean was going around telling people? That Cas assumed Dean was fucking every girl who made eyes at him? Sure, make him out to sound like the super jealous ex, and totally skip the part about Dean lying to him. Twice. “Cas, please talk to me.”

            “Is that what Dean told you?” he asked.

            “Dean won’t tell me anything,” she typed back. He waited a few moments for her to finish elaborating. When the next message popped up, it looked like she had written an essay in the span of only a few seconds. “I don’t know what happened between you but I just wanted to make sure I wasn’t the one who caused a rift between you. Honestly I have never seen Dean this sullen and depressed over anything before, especially not over a guy. Even Sammy is worried about him now, and to be honest with you I thought that relationship was fucked for good. Dean said something to me about looking after Sammy yesterday, I think he is going to take off but I have no idea where he would go or what he would do for money, I’m just really worried about him, Cas.”

            “How is this my problem?” Cas asked. For some reason, he thought he would care that Dean was hurting. But he didn’t. He just…didn’t. It had been a week, and Dean didn’t even try talking to him.

            “He told me that he fucked up good,” Charlie typed. “He says he thinks you really care about him.” Charlie was typing more, but Cas had enough at this point.

            “I did care about him,” Cas said. “But now I don’t.”

            “In the span of a week?” Charlie asked. “Couldn’t have cared that much then. Sorry to bother you.”

            Cas read that sentence over and over again. Something about it made his blood boil, as if it made him seem like the bad guy. He wanted to ignore it, he really did. Charlie didn’t know him, he could just ignore her. He should ignore her. Why care what she thought about him anyway? He put his hands over the keyboard and started to type something, then deleted it. This went on for a few minutes until he saw her typing.

            “If you really don’t care about him, why are you writing me an essay?”

            “He lied to me,” Cas wrote quickly. “He told me he was spending time with his brother and then I find out from someone else that he’s really at that party.”

            She saw that message and then there was radio silence on the other end. Total silence. Charlie, who had been so quick to reply before, suddenly said nothing. He let the minutes tick by, but she didn’t say anything else. He rubbed his forehead with one hand. Great, now he looked like a massive idiot. Worse than that, he looked like a child pointing fingers.

            He sighed and quickly typed something back. “Look, I’m sorry Dean’s upset. I am. But we haven’t known each other that long and there’s obviously things he doesn’t want to tell me and so I think it’s just better if we-“ Cas bit his lip, then backtracked, deleting the last few characters. “-and so I think it’s just better if that’s that.”

            He closed the window. That _was_ that. He took a deep breath in and let it out. Somehow, that felt strangely cathartic. He got up and went to the bathroom, looking at his own reflection in the mirror. He hadn’t cried for quite a few days now, but his eyes were still a bit red. Probably from lack of sleeping. He blinked a few times and splashed some cold water on his face. It was okay. He was okay. It was a break up, that’s all it was. He struggled with it, but now it was time to get back on track. He had barely eaten and he was pale enough, the sick excuse would probably go unquestioned. There wasn’t any major work he had missed for any classes, nothing that he couldn’t later make up. That was the great thing about college – most of the lectures were posted online, most of the weekly quizzes were online, and the only thing he really had to stress about were tests and presentations. Mostly presentations, which he usually knew about way in advance so he had a lot of time to prepare for them.

            He sighed and went out into the kitchen. Gabe and Balthazar were just getting home. “Well, look who finally decided to crawl out of his cave,” Balthazar said teasingly, although there was an edge to his voice.

            “Yeah, well,” Castiel shrugged. “Had to come out sometime.”

            “You know, there’s a whole world out there,” Balthazar continued. “A big world.  A big ocean. Lots of little fishes.”

            “I get it,” Castiel said. “I actually had a talk with Anna today. It was actually, really good. It was a really good talk.”

            “But I’m still your favorite?” Gabe asked.

            “You’re still the only person that has a car, so, yes,” Cas answered.

            “I actually ran into your friend earlier-“ Gabe started. Suddenly the smile dropped from Cas’ face. “-Kevin.” A flood of relief washed over him. “He says he’s worried about you, said you have some big presentation due next week and you’re not pulling your weight. Tsk tsk.” Cas smiled. “Get in there and do your homework, young man!”

            “Yes mom,” Cas said with a pout as he marched back into his room. He left the door open and sat cross-legged on the bed, pulling his phone out of the charger. Charlie had responded to him a few minutes ago. He swallowed and looked towards the doorway, but Gabe and Balthazar had retreated into their separate rooms. He cautiously pulled up the message, bracing himself, expecting to be told off. Instead, he received an address to a place over half an hour away.

            “Crowley is really bad news. He’s close with a girl named Ruby, who is also really bad news. I think you might have met her. Dean didn’t want to pull you into any of it, but he wants to at least explain so you don’t hate him.”

            Cas stared at the message. His mouth had suddenly gone dry. “I don’t hate him,” he wrote back. He didn’t feel hate. All the anger he had left him a week ago. Now he just felt tired. “But he doesn’t need to explain. I’m done, I’m sorry, but I don’t want to be caught up in anything.”

            Charlie waited a few minutes before replying. “I understand. Do you mind if I send this message to him verbatim? I don’t want to put words in your mouth.”

            “It’s fine,” Cas wrote back.

            He waited a few minutes for Charlie to message him again. “I really don’t like being the messenger. Dean asked me to say or do whatever it takes to get you to come see him. He sounds really desperate but doesn’t want me to post anything verbatim.” Cas hesitated. Dean was cool, calm and collected. He was never desperate. It just didn’t sound like him at all. He couldn’t even picture Dean as desperate.

            “Should I tell him your mind is made up?” she asked.

            Cas started at his screen. He had no idea what to write. He let out a sigh and typed, “Yes.” Things were already complicated and confusing. He didn’t want to get pulled into anything even more complicated. Drama surfaced in any relationship, he got that, but it seemed like Dean had serious baggage that he needed to work out first. Cas sat back and thought for a moment. Maybe Dean knew that. Maybe that’s why Dean never stayed with one person for too long. If you never put your real self out there, you never really have to worry about getting hurt. Isn’t that how Cas had felt before he meet Dean?

            “He says that he understands and won’t bother you anymore,” she typed back. “I just want to say, Cas, I totally understand and don’t blame you at all. I know I’m Dean’s friend and I don’t really know you, but you sound like you’re hurting too and I’m sorry.”

            Cas opened his mouth and closed it again. He felt tears pulling at the corners of his eyes and shook his head quickly to dispel them. Would Dean explaining everything really change anything? He tried to picture Dean sitting in a small room somewhere, crying and pining over him the way he had been over Dean. He just couldn’t do it. He couldn’t see it.

            Propelled by some motive, Cas grabbed his phone suddenly and pulled up Dean’s number. He had to know, he had to know. Dean answered on the second ring. “Cas?” He sounded genuinely surprised.

            “Dean-“ Cas said slowly. He had nothing to say, absolutely nothing.

            “Cas, I’m so sorry-“ Dean began, his voice rough around the edges. His voice was breaking. He was sincere. God help him, Dean Winchester was sincere. He really was upset. Cas blinked, not sure what to do. “Cas I can explain everything, okay? Please, just let me explain-“

            Would an explanation really change anything? Dean didn’t trust him to tell him anything up front. He didn’t even tell him at the party. He waited a week before reaching out at all. Cas closed his eyes.

            Would an explanation really change anything?

            He hung up the phone.


	8. Chapter 8

Everyone could see that something was wrong with Castiel. And not because he was sulking. He seemed happy, way too happy. The next day, he had sent Kevin a 32-page in-depth presentation of their topic, asking Kevin to just add any final touches as an apology for being so dodgy. He cooked breakfast for his roommates. He answered all the questions the teacher asked, even the rhetorical ones, and gave his number to a girl who had been flirting with him the whole semester simply because he could. He walked back to class audibly humming to himself. While he was out, his roommates even searched his room for drugs but couldn’t find anything. They wouldn’t say it to his face, but Balthazar was the first to say that Cas had officially cracked. He tried to encourage Gabe to reach out to Dean, but Gabe absolutely refused. Cas had made it quite clear that he had cut Dean out of his life for good, and Gabriel wasn’t going to betray that.

            But what they didn’t know was that Cas often snuck out in the early hours of the morning, just to walk around the deserted neighborhood. It had been getting steadily colder outside, but Cas wore nothing but a tee shirt and jeans. Sometimes he just sat on a bench and stared up at the clear night sky. Other times he just walked about aimlessly, just to see where his feet would take him. He couldn’t sleep. Every time he laid down to try, Dean’s voice would bounce around his head, broken and teary. “Cas, I’m so sorry-“

            Dean was sorry. He was genuinely sorry. And yet Cas had hung up on him. He had been so quick to mold Dean into a bad guy without waiting to hear the whole story. A part of him told him that that was just more proof that he didn’t really know Dean at all and that he should just let it go. Another part of him told him that he needed to apologize. That he was the one now acting like a jerk.

            Cas closed his eyes. He couldn’t go on like this, hating himself for ignoring Dean and praising himself for it too. He had to go to Dean and at least apologize. Then that would be that. He checked his phone. 1 AM. He pulled up the address Charlie had sent him in his phone. It was linked to Singer Salvage Yard. Dean wanted to meet him at work?

            With sudden resolve, he decided to message Charlie. “Do you have a car?”

            Charlie answered approximately ten minutes later. “I do but I live out of state. You okay?”

            Cas closed his eyes. Charlie lived out of state. She had just been there to visit. She couldn’t drive him there. “Embarassing,” Cas wrote back. “Sent that to the wrong person.”

            “Get home safe,” she responded.

            And that was that, yet again.

            Cas closed his phone then opened it again, pulling up the directions to the Singer Salvage Yard on his phone.

 

            His feet hurt, and he had only been walking for about an hour. The sun was high in the sky, and Cas was guessing it must have be close to noon by now. He had left about 10:30 and started walking, holding his phone out in front of him like a compass. He couldn’t ask anyone to drive him there, and so he was going to walk. It was exceptionally warm today, and Cas hoped he wasn’t going to be a giant sweating mess by the time he showed up.

            By the time he got there, his legs were ready to give out from under him. He was hoping that there would be a fast food place nearby that he could quickly wash up in, but the dirt road that led to the salvage yard was deserted. Nothing on either side but trees. Cas hoped he wouldn’t look like an idiot and have to hike the whole way back. Actually, come to think of it, how was he going to get back? He hadn’t planned on Dean driving him – so what then? How was he going to get home? Call Gabe and beg? If they knew he had literally walked over three hours just to see Dean, he would never hear the end of it.

            As Cas’ nerves started to get the better of him, he started to seriously think about turning around until he saw a squat building in the distance surrounded by a large fence. That was the garage. Had to be. Cas walked past the gate inside the yard, over to a large opened garage door where the sounds of tinkering could be heard. He peered inside only to see someone leaning in the dark corner of a garage, hovering over the back tire of a car.

            Cas took the bottom of his sneaker and scraped it against the ground outside loudly. The figure peered out then straightened up, walking towards him. “Yeah, how can I-?” Dean stopped and his eyes widened, as if he saw a mirage.

            Cas suddenly found himself unable to speak. His eyes went from Dean’s muscle shirt to his rip stained jeans to the way a bead of sweat dripped down from his hairline and down his cheek. Dean Winchester really was the perfect male specimen.

            “What are you doing here?” Dean narrowed his eyes, but Cas didn’t really hear the anger in his voice.

            But Cas couldn’t say anything. This was a bad idea. He looked like crap. He was sweating, his hair was probably soaked with it, and he probably smelled worse than he looked. He wanted to tell Dean that it was a mistake, that coming here was a mistake, and run away. He could do it. He really could. Just say, “It was a mistake” and bolt. Just run. He could do it. Just say the words. He moistened the tip of his tongue and tried to speak, but no sound came out.

            “I can wait,” Dean said, spreading his hands at his sides.

            Cas couldn’t. He sprung forward suddenly and grabbed Dean on either side of his face and kissed him. Dean took a step back then stood there stiffly, not returning it. Cas stood there for a few moments, waiting to see if Dean would respond, before someone behind Cas cleared his throat.

            Cas spun around to see a man with a scruffy beard and baseball cap standing in front of him. _Oh shit._ Was this his uncle? “I was just telling him to go,” Dean said quickly. “Got a lot of work to do and-“

            “Take the rest of the afternoon off,” the man said.

            “Bobby-“ Dean started.

            “Take the rest of the afternoon off,” Bobby repeated. “Go upstairs and get yourself cleaned up and take your friend with you. I’ll finish up here.”

            Dean didn’t even argue. He just turned around and started walking away, leaving Castiel to follow him uneasily.

            They turned to go into a house that was set up behind the garage. The downstairs looked like a library of sorts and was very spacious. Dean went into a far corner and went up a few flights of stairs into a tiny room at the top of the stairs, closing the door behind Cas. Tiny didn’t even begin to describe it. Cas always felt like he had a small room but this was half the size of it. A bed was pushed up against one wall, but it looked like it was a twin size. There was a desk about two feet away from it on the opposite wall, but it was covered with all sorts of knick knacks and metallic parts. Dean took two steps into a small room to his left to reveal a tiny bathroom, so small there was no door to close. A sink was next to a toilet which was probably next to a standing-room-only shower. Cas peaked inside to see that there wasn’t even really a shower, just a showerhead fixture shoved into the wall and a drain cut into the floor beneath.

            Was this really Dean’s room? Was this really where Dean lived? He almost couldn’t believe it. He knew that Dean had given all of his money to get Sam through school, but he thought that meant _most_ of his money, not all of it.

            Dean washed his hands furiously in the sink, shaking them off as he turned around to face Cas. Honestly, he had spun around so fast Cas was at first sure that Dean was going to strike him.

            “What are you doing here?” Dean asked. Suddenly Cas noticed a thin cut in Dean’s lip, presumably from where Gabriel had decked him. Dean grabbed his forehead with one hand and slid it down his face. “And thanks for that, downstairs. My uncle didn’t know about-“ He gestured to himself with one hand.

            Cas closed his eyes. This was going horribly wrong. What if his uncle was ridiculously homophobic and kicked Dean out? Where was he going to go? Even this little place was better than nothing, especially if he was living with family. “I’m so sorry, Dean,” Cas started. “I just came over here to say I’m sorry, and…I didn’t mean…”

            “To say sorry?” Dean spat back. “Isn’t it a little late for that?”

            “I just kept thinking about how hurt you sounded over the phone,” Cas began. “I just, I didn’t want you to see you hurt.”

            “Yeah?” Dean asked. “Well I’m fine now.”

            “Dean-“

            “A lot can change in a week,” Dean said, spitting Cas’ own words back at him.

            “Charlie told me that you were desperate,” Cas said, watching carefully as Dean looked away and laughed incredulously. “She-“

            “She wanted to try to fix things,” Dean said. “She didn’t even know the whole story. She just came in wanting what was ‘best for me.’ She doesn’t even know you. She would say anything.”

            Cas opened his mouth then shut it again. Had she been playing him? But Dean sounded so upset over the phone… “You sounded so upset-“

           

            “I was hurt,” Dean exclaimed. Dean blinked for a moment, as if admitting it suddenly made him vulnerable.

            “You were hurt?” Cas suddenly erupted. “You were hurt? I was hurt. You lied to me again, Dean. You lied to me, you don’t trust me to tell me anything, and then you don’t even talk to me for a week. And you’re the one that’s hurt?”   

            “Oh give me a break,” Dean shouted back. “This isn’t about me, this is about you. Little Castiel, always playing the victim. No, don’t give me that look. Gabe came to me like a mother hen, freaking out about what I had done to you, like I had beaten you or something. He told me how you hang onto my every word, wait for me to text you back and how upset you get if I don’t – you’re like a child, Cas.”

            “That’s not true-“ Cas started.

            “No, I think it is true,” Dean continued. “I think it’s true. You were so desperate to look like the good guy in all of this. I lied to you, and I’m the bad guy. Right. You thought I was cheating on you with _Charlie_. You didn’t even ask, you just assumed. The truth is, I barely did anything. You filled your own head with all the ways I could possibly hurt you, and then you didn’t fight it when it fit your own little narrative of how you’re the good guy and I’m the bully.”

            “I-“ Cas started, but it was all he could do not to break into tears at this point.

            “I waited to contact you because I figured you would be upset, and I wanted you to calm down,” Dean started. “I wanted to have the situation more under control so I could tell you that I had everything sorted out, that you didn’t need to worry about anything. But you blew me off and you looked like a jerk. Suddenly it’s not so black and white. That’s why you had to come all the way out here and apologize. It wasn’t for me, it was for your own selfish ego.”

            Cas just blinked. He couldn’t move. He couldn’t say anything.

            “That’s why you didn’t even tell anyone you were coming out here, am I right? No, because simply asking someone for a ride would be too easy. You have to march out here in the blazing sun for hours, so that when I tell you off, you can call your friends begging for a ride and tell everyone about how you walked all the way out here to apologize and I slammed the door in your face. I’m the jerk, you’re the hero.” Dean’s voice was shaking at this point. “Well, I won’t disappoint Cas. Just get out. Please. Just get out.”

            Castiel didn’t know what to do. Everything Dean said made perfect sense, didn’t it? Ever since Anna told him that Dean Winchester slept with everyone, hadn’t he been ridiculous suspicious? Suddenly it felt like he had been looking for a reason to ruin everything with Dean all along.

            “I, I’m sorry,” he mumbled, although the words felt dead in his mouth. “I know I’m sorry quite, it doesn’t quite cut it but um, but I’m sorry? I didn’t mean, I didn’t know I was like that. And I’m sorry. I uh, I just sort of realized that the reason you probably don’t really get close to anyone is because you’re afraid of getting hurt, and I didn’t really um, I didn’t really think of that before. I guess I, I didn’t really see you as a person? I guess I just sort of liked the idea of you. I liked being with you. I liked how I felt when I was with you, and uh, I guess you’re right. I am selfish. I was thinking that if I was with you, it would somehow make my life better. I didn’t really think about it in the reverse. I haven’t really been in a serious relationship with anyone, and I know that’s no excuse, but I uh, I guess I really didn’t know any better. But you’re right, I am a bad person. And I hurt you and I can’t take that back, but I’ll, I’ll leave you alone now.”

            Cas was trembling. He felt like at any moment he was just going to collapse into a pillar of tears and dissolve into a puddle.

            “Cas, I didn’t mean it-“ Dean said softly.

            “But you’re right,” Cas replied. “Everything you said is, it’s true. Even if I didn’t realize it. It’s all true. I’m so sorry, Dean. I just- I’ll go, I’ll go.”

            “Let me give you a ride,” Dean swallowed, gesturing emphatically with his hands. “Ride…back to the school.”

            “No,” Cas said sharply. “No, I’ve done enough. I won’t call anyone, I promise. I’ll walk back. I won’t tell anyone I came out here.”

            “No, Cas, you can’t walk back,” Dean said. “If you won’t call anyone then I’m giving you a ride.”

            “No Dean-“

            “Dammit, Cas!” Dean shouted. “Stop doing this. Stop trying to play the martyr.”

            “I’m not.” The tears were openly flowing now. “I’m not trying to do anything, Dean. I’m just trying not to screw anything up anymore.”

            “Stop crying,” Dean said quietly. Cas just looked down. He couldn’t control it anymore. He just wanted to disappear. “Dammit, Cas, stop crying!” He took a step forward and grabbed Cas by the shoulders, shaking him slightly. “Stop crying Cas, stop reminding me that this is all my fault.”

            “Your fault?” Cas blinked at him. “You just described all the ways that this whole thing was my fault. How is this your fault?”

            “Because I didn’t tell you the truth to begin with,” Dean said, taking a step back. “Crowley and I might have had a thing. I don’t know. But I didn’t want to continue it and suddenly Ruby’s dating Sam. Suddenly he starts drinking. Good college boy, suddenly out of nowhere, starts sipping vodka out of a water bottle in class at 2 PM. Then it’s the pot. Then it’s-“ He shook his head. “I should have just told you.”

            “That’s why you went to that sorority party?” Cas asked. “You thought Sam was going to be there?”

            “I got a tip Ruby was going to be there, and where she is, Sam’s not far behind. I tried to get him to clean up, and that’s when he started avoiding me. He finally agreed to meet with me on Wednesday which is why I rushed over to see him, but it turns out it was just Crowley playing games. Then on Friday-“ He shook his head. “I had invested everything into getting Sam out. He had the smarts and the brains to get himself into a good school, and I told Bobby I would work for him until the end of time if he would front the money. Sam thought he got some expensive scholarship from some rich donor.” He laughed to himself. “I guess it’s lucky for me he never asked any questions.”

            Cas opened his mouth as what Anna said came back to him. She was right. Dean didn’t want to spend his life working for his uncle. There had to be something more to life that he wanted, like making sure his brother actually got through school. And he did it quietly, without asking for anything back. He was starting to see Sam veer off track, and he would do anything to help his brother.

            “I’m so sorry, Dean,” Cas said again. “I’m such an asshole.”

            “Cas, you’re not-“

            “I am,” Cas pressed his forehead into his palm. “I am because you wanted to explain this all to me and I didn’t want to listen. Because you’re right, I wanted you to be the asshole because I thought you were. And I didn’t want to hear you explain cause then maybe I’d have to admit that I was wrong for storming off. Because then-“

            “Cas, please stop crying,” Dean said again.

            “Because then I would have to admit that I’m the one who damaged things beyond repair and that’s why we can never get back together,” Cas shouted.

            “What?” Dean asked. He looked like he had just been slapped.

            “I could have listened to you explain,” Cas said through his tears. “But I couldn’t be bothered. Because I thought I didn’t want to be. I thought it was too hard. I didn’t know what you weren’t telling me and I just decided that it would be better if we went our separate ways. But you’re right, Dean. I am selfish. I came here hoping you were still hurting like I was still hurting because I miss you. I can’t fall asleep at night because the last thing I hear when I close my eyes is you. And I feel so damn guilty about it it’s breaking me up inside.”

            “Cas-“

            “But I get it now, Dean. You are right. Everything you said it’s true. I am too immature to be in a relationship with you, with anyone right now. Because I, I-I-I’m selfish, and I’m a bad person and I screw things up.”

            “Cas, are you okay?” Dean had stopped looking upset. His eyes had narrowed, and he was moving towards Cas slowly.

            “I’m fine, Dean, Dean, I’m fine and now I need to go. Because we can’t work this out. Not anymore. I- my- our communication, we just don’t communicate like normal people. And that’s my fault. And we hardly know each other anyway, it’s just better to go our separate ways because I _miss_ you and I just-“

            The words started to come out of him like vomit, and that’s when he realized that it was _actual_ vomit. He stared down at his hands in embarrassment. He didn’t know what to say. How to apologize for this on top of everything else.

            He closed his eyes and let the world slip out from underneath him. Dean caught him just before he hit the floor.


	9. Chapter 9

Castiel felt a cool hand press against his cheeks, his forehead. The hand stroked his bangs out of his face and his hips bucked slightly at the contact. He could hear Dean chuckle and his eyes shot open. The first thing he was saw Dean’s face leaning over him, and Castiel realized quickly that he was lying on Dean’s bed.

            “You feeling okay?” Dean asked, pulling his hand away.

            “I-I don’t know what happened,” Castiel wanted to just melt away into the wall. The last thing he remembered was vomiting right in front of Dean. Fantastic. Just fantastic.

            “Heat stroke,” Dean answered. “It’s unusually hot today, you were walking outside for a long time, you were crying, got dehydrated-“

            Castiel sat up and ran a hand through his hair. It was wet. Not sweaty wet, just wet. “Did you bathe me?”

            “Held you under the shower,” Dean answered simply. “Was trying to cool you down.”

            He looked down at his clothes. “These aren’t my clothes.”

            “No, they’re uh, they’re mine,” Dean said. “You vomited on yours.”

            Cas flushed, embarrassed. “You should eat something,” Dean said quickly. “Hold on, wait here.” He got up and disappeared downstairs.

            Cas rolled around to see off the side of the bed, but he didn’t see his clothes. He rolled back over to see a woven blanket pushed against the wall. He took the blanket in both hands and held it to his nose, inhaling in. It smelled like Dean. He held it to his nose, almost pretending he was holding Dean to him, when suddenly he heard someone clear his throat behind him.

            “Dean, I was just-“ Dean was standing over him with a plate of eggs. “I didn’t know you could cook.”

            “Just eggs,” Dean replied. “They were always Sammy’s favorite.”

            Cas took the eggs and took a bite. “These are good,” he said appreciatively. Dean just smiled. “I guess this means you still care about me, taking care of me like this.”

            “You puked and then passed out in my house,” Dean said. “You didn’t really give me much of a choice.” Cas looked away and ate his eggs quietly. They suddenly tasted extremely sour. “Cas, can I talk to you? Honestly?”

            “Yes.”

            “I care about you, I do, I really care about you, but I just don’t know if I can be in a relationship right now,” Dean said. “All the stuff with Sam is really stressful to you, and I think you have some of your own, uh, issues that you need to work out.”

            “But-“ Cas started.

            “Look, we both hurt each other. And you were right when you said that we have serious issues in our communication. I get how much you like me, Cas, I get it. I just- I just don’t know if I can trust you not to hurt me again. I know how you feel, like I’m your first love and all that, but the truth is you don’t know what you want. You want me now, but once you graduate and get a better job, I’m still going to be here, working for Bobby at a junk yard and taking care of Sam. You’ll move on to bigger and better things, Cas. I won’t. And I’m jealous of you for that, I am, but that doesn’t mean I’m going to hold you down. You always acted so suspicious of me going off and leaving you, when in a few years, maybe sooner, you’ll be the one to leave me.”

            “That’s not true,” Cas began.

            Dean smiled sourly at him. “Maybe, maybe not. I don’t know, but I don’t really believe that your first love is your only love. You need to get out there, meet other people, see other people. That’s the only way you’re going to find someone that’s really good for you. But what we had here, it’s good, okay? It’s good, Cas. Because you learned some stuff about you that you wouldn’t have found out otherwise. And sometimes we meet other people just to hurt them so we can learn lessons and be on our way. That’s just the way life is sometimes. It doesn’t mean we have to be angry or hate each other for it. Sometimes that’s just the way life is.”

            Castiel put his plate down. “You must have broken up with so many people to have that totally rehearsed by now.” Dean rolled his eyes. “You think I didn’t ask Anna about how you broke up with her? If you’re going to break up with me, do it. But say what you really think. Not some rehearsed bullshit.”

            “Cas-“ Dean started, looking away. “Look, we should really get you home. Do you want me to drive you home or should I call Gabe to come pick you up?”

            “Break up with me first,” Cas said. “Right now.”

            “Cas, you’re not feeling well right now,” Dean sighed. “Please, just-“

            “Do it,” Cas challenged. “Right now. While I’m in your bed. Wearing your clothes. If you really meant what you said yesterday, say it now. Tell me to leave.”

            “Is that what you really want?” Dean asked incredulously. “Do you really think this is what I want? That I wanted you to get so upset that you literally passed out? Do you really even think that I want you to be here right now? Look at this room. This isn’t anything to be proud of. I live in a tiny attic above my uncle’s house, and the worst part is I’m grateful to just have that much. And here you are, in my bed. Do you realize how many times this past week I’ve wished you were here, so I could wake up with you beside me? And now you’re here, saying you want to get back together and demanding I break up with you. I don’t know if getting back together is the right thing, I really don’t, but I can’t break up with you like this. So, let me drive you back if that’s what you really want and I can do it there. But not here. Not like this.”

            “I don’t have my clothes,” Cas said quietly.

            “I was washing them for you,” Dean answered. “They’re in the sink.”

            “Would you mind if I just wore these?” Cas asked, looking down at the cotton white tee and boxers.

            “Keep them.” Dean’s voice sounded hollow.

            “You can keep mine then,” Cas offered, but Dean shook his head.

            “They smell too much like you.”

            “Your blanket smells like you.”

            “I almost thought you were making out with it when I walked in.” Dean chuckled as Cas’ face turned red. Cas could feel tears prick behind his eyes.

            “Relationships are messy,” he said at length. “I can see why you don’t like to bother with them.”

            “It’s hard to get attached,” Dean shrugged. “It’s not really like I can bring anyone back here. Even the shit with Sam, people don’t want to deal with the fact that I have an addict for a brother.”

            “You’re a good person,” Cas said idly, talking more to himself than to Dean. “I can’t tell if it’s something I just realized now or just knew all along.”

            “You’re a good person too,” Dean said. “You don’t really know what you want, so I shouldn’t really be surprised when you can’t tell me what you want.”

            Cas turned to look at him. “I want you,” Cas said at length. “Maybe the whole reason we keep going back and forth on this is because we’re not done. Okay, maybe you’re right, we might not go riding off into the sunset together forever and ever, but right now we want each other. So why do we have to break up when neither of us is ready for it to be over?” Cas extended his hand, pulling Dean onto the bed with him. “You really pictured both of us lying in this bed?”

            “Yeah, well, there’s a bit more room if you push your back against the wall,” Dean said, pushing Cas flat against the wall. He held out his right arm for Castiel, who laid his head on his shoulder.

            “Are we done fighting now?” Cas asked sleepily.

            “I think we’re good for a while,” Dean said, kissing his forehead.

            “I puked,” Cas said quietly.

            “Yeah, I was not expecting that,” Dean replied. “I mean, I knew something was up. You were slurring your speech and it didn’t sound like you.”

            “Should I be glad I don’t really remember a lot of what I said?” Castiel asked.

            “Does that mean you don’t remember a lot of what I said?” Dean asked. Castiel was quiet. “Cas, we were fighting. I didn’t mean it.”

            “But I think you were right,” Cas said. “Maybe not about everything, but you’re right. I tried to compress you into my narrative that you were just going to hurt me. But I wanted to be with you. It’s like a struggle between the id and the ego.”

            “I tried to see you-“ Dean started. “Honestly, I just wanted to grab you and kiss you until you listened to me.”

            “Well,” Castiel rolled over to face him. “You can do that now.”

            Dean smiled and kissed Cas on the forehead again. “There?”

            “Anywhere else?” Cas asked.

            Dean kissed his cheek. “That good?”

            “Maybe a little further to the left?”

            Dean rolled on top of him and pulled his left earlobe with his teeth.

            “A little further down,” Cas said breathily.

            “Oh I see,” Dean said, but skipped Cas’ lips instead and moved down to his cock, kissing the tip. Cas let out a breath as Dean started to kiss down his length. He started to kiss back up, taking Cas in his mouth again.

            “Dean, Dean, Dean, Dean-“ Cas said quickly as Dean began sucking him off. Dean pulled off his dick, licked up the side of it, before taking him in his mouth again. He teased him relentless, running his fingertips against Cas’ inner thigh. Cas wanted to hold on for as long as possible, but even just looking at Dean’s face while he sucked him off was enough to push him over the edge. He thrust his head back into Dean’s pillow, struggling not to cry out. He watched Dean carefully, but Dean took him in his mouth and swallowed.

            “Holy shit,” Cas breathed as he watched Dean lick off the cum that had collected on the tip of his dick.

            “You were very ready,” Dean observed, plopping back down beside him.

            “I just-“ Cas breathed. “Holy shit, Dean.”

Dean smirked. “Well, I’m glad I can say it was good.”

            “Kiss me,” Cas said, grabbing Dean’s face and pulling him towards him. He kissed him gently, running his hands over Dean’s arm and chest.

“How do you do that?” Dean asked as he pulled away.

            “Do what?” Cas asked.

            “Kiss me like that,” Dean answered, breathing heavily.

            “I’m just trying to get myself ready,” Cas answered.

            “Mmm?” Dean asked, opening one eye. “Ready for what?”

            Instead of answering, Cas sat up and rolled Dean over onto his stomach, pulling his boxers down below his thighs. “I want to do you this time,” he said. “But I’ve never done this before so I think I need you to talk me through this.”

            “You sure?” Dean asked. Cas nodded.

            “Okay, well, first, we’re going to need some lube.”  


End file.
